Fiction: “The Beekeeper’s Apprentice” by Laurie R. King

Okay, this is literally the THIRD TIME I have tried to write this review. I am writing this on Caroline the Netbook, and this just proves once and for all why I cannot write on Caroline the Netbook. Because if the cursor happens to be outside of the writing box and I accidentally hit ‘backspace,’ the internets move to the last page I was on. And when I hit ‘forward’ after cursing heavily, the ‘saved draft’ is a blank window, because Caroline hates me. However, if I keep the cursor inside the writing box, I will be halfway through a paragraph, accidentally hit the touch pad with my thumb as I move to the space bar, and before I know it, I’m writing in the middle of the wrong paragraph or, worse, the paragraph I was writing disappears and I swear copiously again.

Some people would say, “Well, serves you right for naming your netbook after a flighty-yet-determined yearling vampire from The Vampire Diaries.” To which I say, SHUT UP.

And here’s why it’s so important that I actually write this review — because if this were for any other book, I’d be all, ‘fuck this shit, I have Fringe to watch and Futurama to record, lemme just throw a grade on this and be done with it.” But no — it is so important for me to write a real review, so I’m being very careful with my thumbs and hopefully the third time will be the charm.

Because here’s the situation: this is a first for That’s What She Read. This is the first time in the (short) history of the blog that I will have re-read a book that I’ve already reviewed. There were definitely books that I’ve reviewed that I’ve read before — some multiple times, even — but the reviews and the stories behind the books were always, for lack of a better phrase, “New to You.”

I had hinted during the Harry Potter re-read that I had wanted to re-read the Mary Russell series (by which I meant, ‘re-read The Beekeeper’s Apprentice and Monstrous Regiment of Women so I can actually read the next book, which I think is A Letter of Mary“), and I had looked back at my original review, and realized that there is no way that anyone could tell what that book was about from my review.

So. Let’s try this again, and let’s hope that Caroline doesn’t fuck me over (like she did Matt, but that’s a whole ‘nother story for a whole ‘nother blog).

Mary Russell is a precocious young orphan, who one day literally trips over the great Sherlock Holmes while reading a book during a walk on the Sussex Downs. After exchanging sarcastic insults, without being asked, Russell illustrates her sense of deduction:

“I said, if you want a new hive you’ll have to follow the blue spots, because the reds are sure to be Tom Warner’s.”

“I am not hard of hearing, although I am short of credulity. How do you come to know my interests?”

“I should have thought it obvious,” I said impatiently, though even at that age I was aware that such things were not obvious to the majority of people. “I see paint on your pocket-handkerchief, and traces on your fingers where you wiped it away. The only reason to mark bees that I can think of is to enable one to follow them to their hive. You are either interested in gathering honey or in the bees themselves, and it is not the time of year to harvest honey. Three months ago we had an unusual cold spell that killed many hives. Therefore I assume that you are tracking these in order to replenish your own stock.”

The face that looked down at me was no longer fishlike. In fact, it resembled amazingly a captive eagle I had once seen, perched in aloof splendour looking down the ridge of his nose at this lesser creature, cold disdain staring out from his hooded grey eyes.

“My God,” he said in a voice of mock wonder, “it can think.” [8]

After their initial interaction, Holmes takes Russell back to his Sussex cottage, which is still being taken care of by Mrs. Hudson. Holmes and Russell become friends, and until Russell goes off to Oxford, she stops by frequently and becomes Holmes’s apprentice, learning the arts of detection.

There are a couple of small cases they work on together: a neighbor fears her husband is partaking in espionage (it turns out, in a rare case of stereotyping, it actually was the butler who did it that time), and an inn owner has some hams stolen.

One summer, the young daughter of a visiting American senator is kidnapped. As a move of last resort, the kidnapped daughter’s mother asks for Sherlock Holmes’s involvement, despite his retirement. Russell, in essence, bullies Holmes into bringing her along. He didn’t want her to come, but eventually recognizes her worth in the partnership. Russell’s deductions and her quick thinking actually leads her to rescue the daughter from her kidnappers.

Russell goes off to Oxford, and then the true mystery appears. Holmes randomly appears in her rooms, and she learns of a plot to kill Holmes, herself, and dear “Uncle John” Watson using a series of bombs. Holmes and Russell evade the bomber for a couple of days, then come perilously close to the receiving end of a bomb in their cab. Holmes then decides, with his brother Mycroft’s help, to escape the “heat” of London for a short time, in order to take some time to regroup and look at the evidence from afar. A theology scholar, Russell asks Holmes to take a case in Jerusalem. This case is later discussed in O Jerusalem, but I haven’t read that book yet.

When they return to London, they have enacted a plot to draw their villain into a trap: they will act as if they have separated and demonstrate outright aggression towards each other. Hopefully, believing Holmes to be declining without his dear friend Russell, the villain will make a move.

The case will end with a relation to the great Moriarty (and for more about my bitching about the canon!Moriarty, see here), and with a reconciliation between Russell and Holmes, as well as another appearance from the kidnapped daughter Russell rescued.

As I said in my previous entry, the language is rich and meaty. And I realized while reading it this time, that returning to this title is like curling up in bed on a cold afternoon in February under a cozy blanket with a warm cup of tea. It’s warm and welcoming and homey and cozy and home.

And now, the references I’m too much of an asshole to ignore:

In the rescue scene, Russell gives us this advice:

I unwound the rope from my waist (Always carry a length of rope; it’s the most useful thing in the world.) and tossed it at a branch that faced away from the house. [125]

I, of course, immediately went to these key scenes from one of my favorite movies [warning: mucho violence and profusive language]

Secondly, upon their return from Jerusalem, Russell and Holmes were already deep into their hatred of each other, and this is how Russell greets Mycroft and Watson:

“There he is, gentlemen, the great Mr. Sherlock Holmes. Savior of nations, the mind of the century, God’s gift to humanity. Gentlemen, I leave you to him.” [277]

So in a nice circle of events, this line made me snort out loud, because it brought to mind season one of Lost, where poor Shannon was telling someone about her brother Boone, and described him as “God’s friggin’ gift to humanity.” Now, if you’ve been following along with some other things I love, the actor who played Boone on Lost is now playing Damon on the new show of my heart, The Vampire Diaries. Which is another thing that just feels like home.

There’s not a lot of discussion around the friendship between Russell and Holmes — for many people (Watson, Mycroft, Lestrade Jr.), they take it as writ that they are apprentice and master, or later, partners. Russell does raise some questions around the propriety of her being an apprentice to a man who’s nearly forty years older than her, but the necessity of their partnership pushes any pesky gender considerations to the background. (Although the age and gender discussion does pop up again in the next title.)

Grade for The Beekeeper’s Apprentice: Still 6 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” by J.K. Rowling

And with that, I am complete and up-to-date. Sure, maybe it was a little bass-ackwards with watching Deathly Hallows Pt. II before I even finish reading Order of the Phoenix, but in the grand scheme of things, who cares? The end result is the same: the 2011 re-read and re-immersion in all things Harry Potter is complete.

So. Where do we go from here? What on earth is there still to talk about when it comes to Harry Potter?

1. All the times Alaina cried
Dobby’s death. Harry burying Dobby. Ron coming back and saving Harry’s life. Ron and Hermione kissing (finally). Snape’s death. “The Forest Again.” (I bawled here, and I bawled during the movie theatre. I couldn’t help it!) Fred’s death.

2. The time that Alaina cried that actually surprised her
Percy’s return! For some reason, that just effing hit me this time around.

3. Dumbledore’s a cunning bastard
I think I really liked how it was finally hit upon the fact that Dumbledore was waging a war, but I don’t like how Harry just accepted it and moved on. I mean, yeah, Dumbledore was planning for Harry’s death the entire time, and while Harry thought about it before heading out to the Forbidden Forest, I expected him to go all CAPSLOCKY or something. But then again, Harry experienced a shit-ton of growth during this seventh year, and while he may not have liked it, he went to face his death anyway.

4. Snape’s Memories
In which Alaina finally proved victorious in the “Snape’s Good” discussion. This was the only teary edition of the “I Told You So” dance I’ve ever performed.

5. Dear Steve Kloves: You Suck. Love, Alaina
*ahem*
HARRY WAS THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO TAKE THE DRAGON OUT OF GRINGOTTS, NOT HERMIONE, YOU FUCKER. HERMIONE IS INDEED AWESOME, BUT LET OTHER PEOPLE BE AWESOME TOO.

6. Oh right, that other part where I cried

“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry’s ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” [723]

And so, until the next time: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Severus, Albus, Molly, Minerva, Fred, George, Ginny, Crookshanks, Sirius, Remus: we’ll miss you. And to J.K. Rowling: thank you.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: 6 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” by J.K. Rowling

It’s going to be hard for me to discuss this title, because there was a lot of supposition and theory that came out after its publication, and of course, now we know how it all ended. But when I first read it — hoo boy, the fights my sister and I would get into, the theories I’d read online, the wondering how it could possibly end …

And it’s that feeling (along with a couple of other things that happen) that makes this one of my favorite books in the series.

Obsessed!Harry
Thank goodness we’re done with Whiny!Harry. But what takes its place seems even more out of character, in my opinion: Harry’s obsession with what Draco’s doing. Because here’s my question: who cares? So Draco’s sneaking off and doing weird shit in Knockturn Alley, so what? So he wouldn’t let Madam Malkin touch his arm — big deal. Dear Harry: you are supposed to be wondering what Voldemort is up to; a student who may or may not have taken the Dark Mark shouldn’t be of any concern to you in the long run. I realize that this metaphor is most likely going to run away from me, but I think it fits: let’s say you’re on a hunting expedition in Africa, and you’re hunting lion. You shouldn’t be, because they are awesome and possibly endangered, but let’s say you’re hunting them anyway. If you’re tracking the biggest, most evil lion on the Serengeti, are you going to say “Hold on, that gazelle’s looking kind of dodgy, let me stop worrying about that big ass-lion and focus on that stupid gazelle for the rest of my time here”? NO YOU’RE NOT BECAUSE YOU PAID TO HUNT LION DIPSHIT.

… Yeah, I knew that metaphor wouldn’t work. I apologize.

ANYWAY. I mean, Draco’s always been a prat to Harry, but it seems like, all of a sudden, Harry thinks Draco’s up to something, and because Harry not only has a saving-people complex, but also has a buttinsky complex, he wants to know what he’s up to. Again, who cares? Focus on the lion!

And yeah, Harry turns out to be right, and it’s a huge sign of growth in Harry that he doesn’t go into the “I Told You So” dance in front of Hermione and Ron, but that is probably only because Bill is turning into a pseudo-werewolf in the next bed in the hospital wing. So, progress?

But, before I go into other themes, let me talk about the whole Sectumsempra thing. And let me take it from this perspective: I’m a girl. And, as a girl, I would occasionally run into girls crying in bathrooms. Hell, to this day I will try to avoid being dragged into a conversation with a stranger with running mascara. But here’s the thing — if I enter a bathroom and see someone crying, I don’t hang around. I go in, do my business, flush, wash my hands, and exit, usually without saying a single word. Now, granted, usually the crying person isn’t accompanied by a ghost, but still: the principle should apply in both the normal and the wizarding world. So, as a parting shot to Harry: DON’T SPY ON THE CRYING KID, EVEN IF IT IS DRACO. BE A MAN AND DUCK OUT AND CONFRONT HIM WHEN HE LEAVES. Geez, it’s only Etiquette 101 I’m talking about here.

Harry & Ginny
To that end, when did Harry fall in love with Ginny? I mean, last I knew, he was still brooding over Cho, and now all of a sudden, he smells the Amortentia potion and -boom!- insta!love for his best mate’s sister? Don’t get me wrong, I adore Ginny (and the entire Weasley clan, save Percy for obvious reasons), and I think Ginny is an excellent match for Harry — able to talk to him like a normal human being, not about to treat him with kid gloves, and above all, has also been violated (in a sense) by Voldemort — but the whole development came on quite suddenly, in my opinion. That’s all.

Quirrell
I know what you’re saying — “Quirrell? Did you go back in time? This year’s Defense teacher is Snape, dude. What’s Quirrell got to do with anything?” Well, if you’re like me, you were reading the chapter about when Voldemort asked to become Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and Dumbledore reveals this:

“Oh, he definitely wanted the Defense Against the Dark Arts job,” said Dumbledore. “The aftermath of our little meeting proved that. You see, we have never been able to keep a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for longer than a year since I refused the post to Lord Voldemort.” [446]

And here’s what I did when I read that this time: “But, weren’t Percy, Hagrid, and the Twins both familiar with Quirrell before Harry began at Hogwarts?”

So I did what any good scholar would do — I returned to Sorcerer’s Stoneto learn the situation. And here’s what Hagrid said back in that book about Quirrell’s post:

“Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. He was fine while he was studyin’ out of books but then he took a year off ter get some first-hand experience …. They say he met vampires in the Black Forest, and there was a nasty bit o’ trouble with a hag — never been the same since.” [SS, 70-71]

And there’s a nice essay over on the Harry Potter Lexicon (which is the best thing ever for HP geeks, might I add) that insinuates that Quirrell used to teach Muggle Studies before his sabbatical, and it wasn’t until his return that he taught the Defense post, which would be Harry’s first year. So apparently, that is not a mistake.

Luna and Neville
Again, Neville takes a backseat in this edition — it’s all about Harry, Voldemort, what’s Draco doing, and the Half-Blood Prince, but Luna Lovegood has some lovely moments. For instance, this moment involving both neglected parties:

“Are we still doing D.A. meetings this year, Harry?” asked Luna, who was detaching a pair of psychedelic spectacles from the middle of the Quibbler.

“No point now we’ve got rid of Umbridge, is there?” said Harry, sitting down. Neville bumped his head against the seat as he emerged from under it. He looked most disappointed.

“I liked the D.A.! I learned loads with you!”

“I enjoyed the meetings too,” said Luna serenely. “It was like having friends.”

This was one of those uncomfortable things Luna often said and which made Harry feel a squirming mixture of pity and embarrassment. [137-138]

To that end, I am always ecstatic when Harry invites Luna to the Slug Club Christmas party.

Foreshadowing
Before we get into the meat, let’s check off some foreshadowing bits we’ve talked about before. Remember that Vanishing Cabinet, and the Opal Necklace, all the way from back in the Chamber of Secrets? Yeah, so did Draco. (Maybe he read the books too? Like in Spaceballs, where they’re watching the movie to try and figure out what happens? oh god I just compared Harry Potter to Spaceballs)

And before we get to the next book: Marvolo Gaunt’s ring has the Peverell crest, and Harry hides his Potions book in a spot marked by a bust wearing a tiara. You’re welcome.

The Prophecy
The prophecy states that neither Harry nor Voldemort may live while the other survives. Pretty straight-forward, for a prophecy. It shows that one of them has to kill the other. And one of the things Harry struggles with in this book is: is he really the Chosen One? And while yes, he totally is, all because Voldemort overreacted (based on false knowledge) and went ahead and marked him instead of Neville because he thought Harry was going to be the bigger threat, it does bring up a question:

What if Neville had been the Chosen One? What would Harry’s life had been like? Would they have switched places in the lore? For instance: Voldemort goes to kill Alice and Frank Longbottom. Would Alice have stood in Voldemort’s place, insisting that he kill her and to spare Neville, thereby giving Neville the same protection that Harry got from Lily? Or would Voldemort have managed to kill Neville, too? And then, if that was the case, would that still leave Harry as the one to defeat Voldemort, thinking that the Potters would be the next logical choice?

But let’s say that what happened to Harry happened to Neville — he goes to his gran’s, and Harry grows up with Mom and Dad and Uncle Remus and Uncle Sirius. Would he have been the same kid in first year, or would he have ended up more like Draco? Would he still have been friends with Ron and Hermione?

It’s interesting to think about. But now, back to the prophecy. Essentially, Harry is still able to operate using free will. He doesn’t have to fight Voldemort because of the prophecy, or even for revenge against his parents or even because it’s just the right thing to do. But because Voldemort put so much into the prophecy and believes the bit he heard to end up coming true, Harry keeps getting drawn in because he’s who Voldemort believes will be the one to try and kill him. It’s knotty.

Dumbledore’s Man
And even through the prophecy talk, Harry still trusts Dumbledore. It’s a quick question for me — why has Harry always been faithful to Dumbledore? Because here’s my experience: in the first two books, Harry sees Dumbledore for all of ten minutes by himself, but admits to having huge faith in Dumbledore’s abilities down in the Chamber with the Basilisk. Why? How does he know to have that much faith in a man he’s barely spoken to?

I think it took a lot on Dumbledore’s part at the end of Order of the Phoenix to reinstill that much faith, trust and loyalty back in Harry. And that’s why, to me, it seems just quick for Harry to proclaim to Scrimgeour that he’s Dumbledore’s man, through and through. (Although I do feel it’s completely appropriate for Harry to not want to work with the Ministry, and how awesome is the scene where Harry shows Scrimgeour his scars from the lines Umbridge gave him?)

Snape
Before we dive right into this topic, allow me to set the scene: It’s mid-July, 2005. I was working as Concessions Manager at the Maine State Music Theatre, and the president of the board’s children had all been to Bookland one fateful Saturday at midnight to pick up their editions of Half-Blood Prince. I was supposed to pick up the copy for my sister on Monday, which was my day off.

So that night, I’m down in the green room brewing coffee, and one of the girls leaves their copy on a table. And I look at it, then back to the coffee. Look at the book, then back at the coffee. Finally, after at least a pot of coffee’s worth of that type of back and forth, I tiptoe over to the book and specifically choose a part in the book that’s close to the end, but nowhere near where the action usually blows up.

I specifically remember saying to myself, “It’s only one sentence — what harm could I possibly do?”

The sentence I magically turn to:

“Don’ say that,” said Hagrid roughly. “Snape kill Dumbledore — don’ be stupid, Harry. Wha’s made yeh say tha’?” [607]

Just … just breathe that in for a second. Imagine if that was you, and you had always proclaimed yourself to be Snape’s Girl. And that sentence is the first sentence you read from this book.

Yeah. My head exploded. Fast-forward to Monday, where I’m sitting on the couch, skimming through the book furiously before my sister comes home, my dad teasing me for reading Missy’s book from halfway through so that I’d know what happens before she does (including throwing a rolled up paper or something at my head — I remember that, Dad). My only hope was that somewhere, in either the section before or the section after, that there would be a spark of hope — that Snape was acting on Dumbledore’s orders, that Dumbledore wasn’t actually dead. Something. Anything.

Missy couldn’t be right about this.

(If you know me in ‘real life,’ you know that this mania is similar to bets I’ve had with my friend Brad about Lost: They can’t be dead already, because Brad can’t be right about this [he wasn't])

As soon as she was done, I took her book and read it in record time, and I’ll never forget reading Dumbledore’s funeral for the first time: I was sitting cross-legged on the floor in my bedroom, and I was listening to U2′s Greatest Hits Volume I. I know this, because “All I Want is You” began playing as I began reading about the funeral. And that was the first time I’d cried reading a book.

And then this happened:
Me: I don’t care, I trust Snape to be good.
Missy: ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: I trust him. I know you don’t, but I think he did it for the right reason.
Missy: HE KILLED DUMBLEDORE
Me: I’ll bet he did it on Dumbledore’s orders to protect Draco!
Missy: What?!
Me: Or his Unbreakable Vow with Narcissa kicked in, forcing him to kill Dumbledore when it looked like Draco wasn’t going to do it.
Missy: No, you dumbass, he KILLED DUMBLEDORE because HE’S A FUCKING DEATH EATER.
Me: He’s still pretending to be a Death Eater!
Missy: Even Harry said — Snape’s not that good an actor!
Me: HOW DOES HARRY KNOW HOW GOOD AN ACTOR SNAPE IS, HE’S ONLY SEEN SNAPE FUCKING ACTING
Missy: SNAPE’S EVIL
Me: SNAPE’S GOOD and will BE REDEEMED in the last book!
Missy: THAT’S BULLSHIT
Me: YOU’RE BULLSHIT
Dad: WILL YOU TWO NERDS SHUT UP IN THERE I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

My final thought, and it’s about the movie: I really wish they had allowed Alan Rickman to go full throttle in his final scene in Half-Blood Prince. I mean, Snape rarely gets the chance to go all CAPSLOCKY, and he’s afforded the chance when he CAPSLOCKS at Harry to NOT! CALL HIM! A COWARD!! And it would have been a perfect bookend to the scene in Spinner’s End, where Bellatrix accuses him of not going through with the Unbreakable Vow because she believes him to be a coward.

And that’s why I should be a director.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: 5 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” by J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix presents a difficult problem for me: Harry Potter burnout. I am now well over the hump, so to speak, of the Harry Potter mania in which I have been immersing myself, and I have already begun contemplating the order of books I will attempt to get through next. (Hint: there are two re-reads in a beloved series; the next title in that same series; the last title in another, hated series; the first title in a series [with a movie coming out in December that stars my favorite pretend boyfriend]; and finally, a couple of beloved treasures that I have not yet reviewed. In other words, stay tuned.) And while my hope was to complete the entire series before going to see Deathly Hallows, Part II, rest assured that did not happen. The final consequence of all this immersion is that it is now harder for me to slog through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince than I would like to admit. And it’s not that I don’t love that entry in the series (and I’ll discuss that entry later, obviously); I’m just … I’m at the place where I want the next thing.

As Order of the Phoenix is the longest title in the series, I have attempted to create some coherence in an entry that would otherwise be at risk of being all over the map. Also, I would like to warn certain friends that have skipped around in the books, and, recognizing that there are some elements that were not in the movie, before I get too in-depth with this analysis, I must put a SPOILER ALERT on the whole proceedings.

That is all; proceed at your own risk.

Whiny Harry
Let us begin at the beginning – namely, the title character, and oh look, he brought his angst along for the ride this time.

I recognize that, in this entry, J.K. Rowling was attempting to show teenage angst from the viewpoint of her main character. I get it; show me a teenager that did not experience some level of angst during those years, and I’ll show you a future serial killer. Everyone goes through it. And as the Harry Potter series was, in some way, originally created as a young adult series, I can understand why it’s so important that the main character, as extraordinary as he is and in such extraordinary circumstances, goes through the same things that you or I did when we were fifteen. It’s another way in which we, the reader, can see our own problems in a character we admire. It makes us – and Harry – more human; more approachable.

Having said that – Jeebus H. Kristoff, were we reallythat awful? Did we really sound that entitled, that selfish, that … that bitchy? Really? Wait, you mean we actually sounded like this at some point?:

“Maybe [Dumbledore] thinks I can’t be trusted,” said Harry, watching their expressions.

“Don’t be thick,” said Ron, looking highly disconcerted.

“Or that I can’t take care of myself –”

“Of course he doesn’t think that!” said Hermione anxiously.

“So how come I have to stay at the Dursleys’ while you two get to join in everything that’s going on here?” said Harry, the words tumbling over one another in a rush, his voice growing louder with every word. “How come you two are allowed to know everything that’s going on –”

“We’re not!” Ron interrupted. “Mum won’t let us near the meeting, she says we’re too young –”

But before he knew it, Harry was shouting.

“SO YOU HAVEN’T BEEN IN THE MEETINGS, BIG DEAL! YOU’VE STILL BEEN HERE, HAVEN’T YOU? YOU’VE STILL BEEN TOGETHER! ME, I’VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS’ FOR A MONTH! AND I’VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO’VE EVER MANAGED AND DUMBLEDORE KNOWS IT – WHO SAVED THE SORCERER’S STONE? WHO GOT RID OF RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?”

Every bitter and resentful thought that Harry had had in the past month was pouring out of him; his frustration at the lack of news, the hurt that they had all been together without him, his fury at being followed and not told about it: All the feelings he was half-ashamed of finally burst their boundaries. [65-66]

I mean, really? We did that? Burst into loud yelling fits with no apparent reason – oh, we did, huh? Really, Mom? Oh.

Sorry.

But – as if being a teenaged wizard with abandonment issues and a god complex weren’t enough, Hermione later brings up another one of Harry’s psychoses that really paints a picture:

“You … This isn’t a criticism, Harry! But you do … sort of … I mean – don’t you think you’ve got a bit of a – a — saving-people-thing?” she said. [733]

If Harry Potter has a fatal flaw (and right now I can’t think of the term – it’s from Aristotelian drama or something), it has to be the need to save people. Be it the Sorcerer’s Stone from the hands of Snape, Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets – even saving Cedric from losing the Triwizard Tournament – Harry has to save people. And yes, all heroes have, to some extent, a saving-people thing. In a way, that’s what makes them heroes. But, in another way, that’s also what makes them crazy.

Professor Umbridge
Holy crap on a cracker, do I hate this woman. And I recognize that I am supposed to hate this woman. So, in a way, thank you, Ms. Rowling, for creating a character so uniformly hated by the entire populace who interacts in this fandom. I can’t think of a single person who actually likes Umbridge.

Aside from Voldemort, Umbridge has to be the best villain in the entire series. She’s a scorpion masquerading as a fluffy bunny. Even her kitten plates in her office are evil. She takes absolute glee in causing pain and suffering, and what’s worse, is that she knows what she’s doing is wrong. But for her, that’s what makes it that much better.

I mean, I cringe every time she issues another Educational Decree. I can feel the oppression that Umbridge is trying to create at Hogwarts when another Educational Decree is … well, decreed. I can only imagine that, given enough time and power, Umbridge could turn Hogwarts into something that resembles Auschwitz.

She’s that evil, guys. And that’s how much I hate her. That’s right – I just compared Umbridge to the Nazis.

Uh – moving on.

Professor McGonagall
On the other hand, there’s Professor McGonagall. She’d always been there, in the background in the previous books, but in Order of the Phoenix, she comes into her own as a character. And not just a character – a badass character. She is, as they would say on the interwebs, a badass motherfucker (BAMF).

Let’s look at the progression. Sure, there’s another smidgeon of the repartee between herself and Lee Jordan:

“And it’s Johnson, Johnson with the Quaffle, what a player that girl is, I’ve been saying it for years but she still won’t go out with me –”

“JORDAN!” yelled Professor McGonagall. [406]

But let’s also look at her interactions with Umbridge. From her inspection in which she blatantly ignores the High Inquisitor:

“Hem hem.“

“I wonder,” said Professor McGonagall in cold fury, turning on Professor Umbridge, “how you expect to gain an idea of my usual teaching methods if you continue to interrupt me? You see, I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking.”

[…]

“Very well,” [Umbridge] said, “you will receive the results of your inspection in ten days’ time.”

“I can hardly wait,” said Professor McGonagall in a coldly indifferent voice, and she strode off toward the door. “Hurry up, you three,” she added, sweeping Harry, Ron, and Hermione before her. Harry could not help giving her a faint smile and could have sworn he received one in return. [320-321]

She’s so confident in her badass-itude, she’s sharing a smile with Harry in their rebellion against the evil bitch.

And then there’s this gem:

“Potter has no chance whatsoever of becoming an Auror!”

Professor McGonagall got to her feet too, and in her case this was a much more impressive move. She towered over Professor Umbridge.

“Potter,” she said in ringing tones, “I will assist you to become an Auror if it is the last thing I do! If I have to coach you nightly I will make sure you achieve the required results!” [665]

And finally, my most favorite Professor McGonagall moment ever:

Indeed, a week after Fred and George’s departure Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinately loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, “It unscrews the other way.” [678]

Every time I read that line — every time — I put the book down so I can laugh. And then I cry a little bit, because Chris Columbus decided not to include Peeves in the first movie, which meant that that moment would never be seen on film.

Fred & George
And that provides an excellent segue into my most favorite scene from the entire series (thus far): Fred & George’s departure. As I said in my review for Goblet of Fire, Fred and George provide the humorous counterpoint to the drama surrounding Harry and his quest. But their first scene of true gravitas is, of course, their epic departure from Hogwarts:

“You two,” [Umbridge] went on, gazing down at Fred and George, “are about to learn what happens to wrongdoers in my school.”

“You know what?” said Fred. “I don’t think we are.”

He turned to his twin.

“George,” said Fred, “I think we’ve outgrown full-time education.”

“Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way myself,” said George lightly.

“Time to test our talents in the real world, d’you reckon?” asked Fred.

“Definitely,” said George.

[…]

“We won’t be seeing you,” Fred told Professor Umbridge, swinging his leg over his broomstick.

“Yeah, don’t bother to keep in touch,” said George, mounting his own.

Fred looked around at the assembled students, and at the silent, watchful crowd.

“If anyone fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three, Diagon Alley – Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes,” he said in a loud voice. “Our new premises!”

“Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they’re going to use our products to get rid of this old bat,” added George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.

[…]

Fred looked across the hall at the poltergeist bobbing on his level above the ground.

“Give her hell from us, Peeves.”

And Peeves, whom Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset. [674-675]

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT. And look, I’ll admit: I have quitting fantasies. There are days when I go in, thinking maybe today’s the day to bust out the Lester Burnham speech [warning: not safe for work, language]. Or, possibly, maybe I just toss my nametag down and bust open my uniform shirt to reveal my soundtrack shirt, at which point I’ll queue up “Eye of the Tiger,” or possibly “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi, or something equally as appropriate and sweet. But there are days when I wish that I were a wizard and, on my way out, could turn to someone and say, “Give ‘em hell for us, Peeves.” Or some sort of equivalent.

But I’m not going to quit, which is why they remain fantasies.

Sirius and Lupin
Before we get into weightier matters, let’s discuss the relationship between Sirius and Lupin. Because look: you can swear up one side and down the other that Lupin and Tonks fall in love and get married and have a baby (whoops – uh, spoiler alert?), but there ain’t NO WAY you are convincing me that Lupin and Sirius weren’t an item beforehand.

I mean, take a look at these pieces of evidence and try and tell me that they were ‘just friends’:

“Yes, but the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters,” said Sirius with a wry smile. “I know she’s a nasty piece of work, though – you should hear Lupin talk about her.” [302]

Sirius and Lupin had given Harry a set of excellent books entitled Practical Defensive Magic and Its Use Against the Dark Arts … [501]

“Here,” said Lupin quietly, and pointing his wand at Neville’s legs he said, “Finite.” The spell was lifted. Neville’s legs fell back onto the floor and remained still. Lupin’s face was pale. “Let’s – let’s find the others. Where are they all, Neville?”

Lupin turned away from the archway as he spoke. It sounded as though every word was causing him pain. [808]

See?

Aunt Petunia
I think Aunt Petunia is a revelation in this book. Before, she’d just been a shadow to Vernon, going along with everything he said to Harry and causing him equal amounts of misery. But here, she’s shown as a person with a history, and more importantly, more knowledge of Harry’s world than even she knows.

“A couple of – what’s this codswallop?”

“De – men – tors,” said Harry slowly and clearly. “Two of them.”

“And what the ruddy hell are dementors?”

“They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban,” said Aunt Petunia.

Two seconds’ ringing silence followed these words and then Aunt Petunia clapped her hand over her mouth as though she had let slip a disgusting swear word. [31]

When I read this passage, I do the same thing: read through it, and then shake my head and reread to ensure that yes, that was Aunt Petunia who spoke.

Even Harry recognizes this new information as a revelation:

[Petunia] was looking at Harry as she had never looked at him before. And all of a sudden, for the very first time in his life, Harry fully appreciated that Aunt Petunia was his mother’s sister. He could not have said why this hit him so very powerfully at this moment. All he knew was that he was not the only person in the room who had an inkling of what Lord Voldemort being back might mean. Aunt Petunia had never in her life looked at him like that before. Her large, pale eyes (so unlike her sister’s) were not narrowed in dislike or anger: They were wide and fearful. The furious pretense that Aunt Petunia had maintained all Harry’s life – that there was no magic and no world other than the world she inhabited with Uncle Vernon – seemed to have fallen away. [38]

And we, the reader, also remember here that Petunia was in fact related to Lily. It’s hard to remember in the first books that Petunia was related to a witch, but this little moment does a lot to remind us of that information. And, in a way, it also makes Harry’s world a little smaller. Just as the world isn’t truly divided into good people and Death Eaters, so the world is also not truly divided between wizards and Muggles.

Snape and his Memory
I don’t even know where to start. I mean, I have been Snape’s Girl since the beginning, since reading Sorcerer’s Stone and yelling at my sister that Snape was good, he was going to be a good guy and fight on the side of the light. Regardless of who was cast to play Snape (though I still thank God that He created Alan Rickman, because I can’t imagine anyone else who could have done that character justice), I would have trusted in him to the ends of the earth. I know a trope when I see one, guys, and Snape Being Good was proclaimed from the turrets in the first book.

But Snape’s Worst Memory – and the entire business about Occlumency – showed the more human side of Snape. That he was a person, that he had feelings, and that there was more to him than what he had shown Harry.

But before we get to the memory, we also learn that Snape is hiding fear:

“How come I saw through the snake’s eyes if it’s Voldemort’s thoughts I’m sharing?”

“Do not say the Dark Lord’s name!” spat Snape.

There was a nasty silence. They glared at each other across the Pensieve.

“Professor Dumbledore says his name,” said Harry quietly.

“Dumbledore is an extremely powerful wizard,” Snape muttered. “While he may feel secure enough to use the name … the rest of us …” He rubbed his left forearm, apparently unconsciously, on the spot where Harry knew the Dark Mark was burned into his skin. [332]

This scene shows how fearful Snape is of Voldemort, regardless of what role he is currently playing. (We learn more about this role in the next book, so I won’t get into it here.)

And then, there’s the memory. And, being Snape’s Girl, I cringe every time Harry makes the decision to peek into the Pensieve. I want to yell, “Come on, you berk, don’t do that! That shit’s private! How do you feel every time Snape sees Dudley bullying you in your memories? He’s a person too!” But that doesn’t matter to Harry, because he doesn’t think Snape’s hiding anything personal; he thinks he (along with the rest of the ‘grown-ups,’ if you will) are hiding stuff about the Department of Mysteries from him, because he’s a baby and nobody tells him anything and oh look, it’s Whiny McWhinerson reporting for duty again.

But then when he sees the memory, there’s elation at the fact that he gets to follow the Marauders around for an afternoon. He gets to see Sirius and James in action, and of course Harry’s going to hang around with them at any chance he can get. But when he sees James for who he really was back in ‘high-school,’ flipping Snape upside-down just because he could, Harry feels legitimately awful. And I hate Sirius a little bit for smoothing over the whole thing later, by saying James and Snape just hated each other and that was that, because that alleviates Harry’s huge guilt over what he shouldn’t have seen in the Pensieve.

And as much as I enjoyed the movie, I still say that Snape’s Worst Memory was not done justice in either Order of the Phoenix or in Deathly Hallows, Part II. And I’ll touch more on that later.

The Prophecy
This topic was hugely discussed once everyone had read Order of the Phoenix. What did that mean? Maybe Harry wasn’t the Chosen One, maybe it was someone else who had to kill Voldemort? I mean, yeah, Dumbledore explains that because Voldemort’s an impatient prat (and the fact that Voldemort only heard the first part of the prophecy) he went ahead and marked Harry as his equal in trying to kill him, thereby naming Harry as the other person in the prophecy, but what if it had been someone like Neville?

But before I get to him, let me take one moment to talk about Dumbledore. He says this, when leading himself up to telling Harry about the Prophecy:

“Do you see, Harry? Do you see the flaw in my brilliant plan now? I had fallen into the trap I had foreseen, that I had told myself I could avoid, that I must avoid.” [838]

Dumbledore had a brilliant plan. And the way I interpreted it on this go-round, having read Deathly Hallows before, is that he had a plan, and Harry was a part of it. To me, this revealed a cunning, manipulative side of Dumbledore that we hadn’t previously seen. In essence, he’s admitting to using Harry as a pawn in a larger game of Wizard’s Chess than he had anticipated.

Makes you think.

Neville Longbottom
And now, my final topic (yay!): Neville. Neville, who we have seen in the background throughout this series so far, is now coming into his own. Punching Malfoy when he makes a snide remark about St. Mungo’s (I’m unsure if Malfoy knows the significance of that ward to Neville; I’m inclined to believe he doesn’t, and that, even amongst enemies, some things are left sacred), devoting his time and energy to Dumbledore’s Army so much that he almost becomes equal with Harry (and much better than Ron) at some of those jinxes and anti-curses. Who’s to say, if Voldemort’s spy had heard the last half of the prophecy, would Neville have become Voldemort’s equal?

Thus concludes my longest entry ever. I think it’s fitting, as this book is, I believe, even longer than Gone With the Wind. But, even if it isn’t longer, I think the true testament to how awesome the series is (in the true sense of the word awesome) is how much this book makes us think and imagine.

Thanks, Ms. Rowling.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: 4 stars