Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” by J.K. Rowling

And with that, I am complete and up-to-date. Sure, maybe it was a little bass-ackwards with watching Deathly Hallows Pt. II before I even finish reading Order of the Phoenix, but in the grand scheme of things, who cares? The end result is the same: the 2011 re-read and re-immersion in all things Harry Potter is complete.

So. Where do we go from here? What on earth is there still to talk about when it comes to Harry Potter?

1. All the times Alaina cried
Dobby’s death. Harry burying Dobby. Ron coming back and saving Harry’s life. Ron and Hermione kissing (finally). Snape’s death. “The Forest Again.” (I bawled here, and I bawled during the movie theatre. I couldn’t help it!) Fred’s death.

2. The time that Alaina cried that actually surprised her
Percy’s return! For some reason, that just effing hit me this time around.

3. Dumbledore’s a cunning bastard
I think I really liked how it was finally hit upon the fact that Dumbledore was waging a war, but I don’t like how Harry just accepted it and moved on. I mean, yeah, Dumbledore was planning for Harry’s death the entire time, and while Harry thought about it before heading out to the Forbidden Forest, I expected him to go all CAPSLOCKY or something. But then again, Harry experienced a shit-ton of growth during this seventh year, and while he may not have liked it, he went to face his death anyway.

4. Snape’s Memories
In which Alaina finally proved victorious in the “Snape’s Good” discussion. This was the only teary edition of the “I Told You So” dance I’ve ever performed.

5. Dear Steve Kloves: You Suck. Love, Alaina
*ahem*
HARRY WAS THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO TAKE THE DRAGON OUT OF GRINGOTTS, NOT HERMIONE, YOU FUCKER. HERMIONE IS INDEED AWESOME, BUT LET OTHER PEOPLE BE AWESOME TOO.

6. Oh right, that other part where I cried

“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry’s ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” [723]

And so, until the next time: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Severus, Albus, Molly, Minerva, Fred, George, Ginny, Crookshanks, Sirius, Remus: we’ll miss you. And to J.K. Rowling: thank you.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: 6 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” by J.K. Rowling

It’s going to be hard for me to discuss this title, because there was a lot of supposition and theory that came out after its publication, and of course, now we know how it all ended. But when I first read it — hoo boy, the fights my sister and I would get into, the theories I’d read online, the wondering how it could possibly end …

And it’s that feeling (along with a couple of other things that happen) that makes this one of my favorite books in the series.

Obsessed!Harry
Thank goodness we’re done with Whiny!Harry. But what takes its place seems even more out of character, in my opinion: Harry’s obsession with what Draco’s doing. Because here’s my question: who cares? So Draco’s sneaking off and doing weird shit in Knockturn Alley, so what? So he wouldn’t let Madam Malkin touch his arm — big deal. Dear Harry: you are supposed to be wondering what Voldemort is up to; a student who may or may not have taken the Dark Mark shouldn’t be of any concern to you in the long run. I realize that this metaphor is most likely going to run away from me, but I think it fits: let’s say you’re on a hunting expedition in Africa, and you’re hunting lion. You shouldn’t be, because they are awesome and possibly endangered, but let’s say you’re hunting them anyway. If you’re tracking the biggest, most evil lion on the Serengeti, are you going to say “Hold on, that gazelle’s looking kind of dodgy, let me stop worrying about that big ass-lion and focus on that stupid gazelle for the rest of my time here”? NO YOU’RE NOT BECAUSE YOU PAID TO HUNT LION DIPSHIT.

… Yeah, I knew that metaphor wouldn’t work. I apologize.

ANYWAY. I mean, Draco’s always been a prat to Harry, but it seems like, all of a sudden, Harry thinks Draco’s up to something, and because Harry not only has a saving-people complex, but also has a buttinsky complex, he wants to know what he’s up to. Again, who cares? Focus on the lion!

And yeah, Harry turns out to be right, and it’s a huge sign of growth in Harry that he doesn’t go into the “I Told You So” dance in front of Hermione and Ron, but that is probably only because Bill is turning into a pseudo-werewolf in the next bed in the hospital wing. So, progress?

But, before I go into other themes, let me talk about the whole Sectumsempra thing. And let me take it from this perspective: I’m a girl. And, as a girl, I would occasionally run into girls crying in bathrooms. Hell, to this day I will try to avoid being dragged into a conversation with a stranger with running mascara. But here’s the thing — if I enter a bathroom and see someone crying, I don’t hang around. I go in, do my business, flush, wash my hands, and exit, usually without saying a single word. Now, granted, usually the crying person isn’t accompanied by a ghost, but still: the principle should apply in both the normal and the wizarding world. So, as a parting shot to Harry: DON’T SPY ON THE CRYING KID, EVEN IF IT IS DRACO. BE A MAN AND DUCK OUT AND CONFRONT HIM WHEN HE LEAVES. Geez, it’s only Etiquette 101 I’m talking about here.

Harry & Ginny
To that end, when did Harry fall in love with Ginny? I mean, last I knew, he was still brooding over Cho, and now all of a sudden, he smells the Amortentia potion and -boom!- insta!love for his best mate’s sister? Don’t get me wrong, I adore Ginny (and the entire Weasley clan, save Percy for obvious reasons), and I think Ginny is an excellent match for Harry — able to talk to him like a normal human being, not about to treat him with kid gloves, and above all, has also been violated (in a sense) by Voldemort — but the whole development came on quite suddenly, in my opinion. That’s all.

Quirrell
I know what you’re saying — “Quirrell? Did you go back in time? This year’s Defense teacher is Snape, dude. What’s Quirrell got to do with anything?” Well, if you’re like me, you were reading the chapter about when Voldemort asked to become Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and Dumbledore reveals this:

“Oh, he definitely wanted the Defense Against the Dark Arts job,” said Dumbledore. “The aftermath of our little meeting proved that. You see, we have never been able to keep a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for longer than a year since I refused the post to Lord Voldemort.” [446]

And here’s what I did when I read that this time: “But, weren’t Percy, Hagrid, and the Twins both familiar with Quirrell before Harry began at Hogwarts?”

So I did what any good scholar would do — I returned to Sorcerer’s Stoneto learn the situation. And here’s what Hagrid said back in that book about Quirrell’s post:

“Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. He was fine while he was studyin’ out of books but then he took a year off ter get some first-hand experience …. They say he met vampires in the Black Forest, and there was a nasty bit o’ trouble with a hag — never been the same since.” [SS, 70-71]

And there’s a nice essay over on the Harry Potter Lexicon (which is the best thing ever for HP geeks, might I add) that insinuates that Quirrell used to teach Muggle Studies before his sabbatical, and it wasn’t until his return that he taught the Defense post, which would be Harry’s first year. So apparently, that is not a mistake.

Luna and Neville
Again, Neville takes a backseat in this edition — it’s all about Harry, Voldemort, what’s Draco doing, and the Half-Blood Prince, but Luna Lovegood has some lovely moments. For instance, this moment involving both neglected parties:

“Are we still doing D.A. meetings this year, Harry?” asked Luna, who was detaching a pair of psychedelic spectacles from the middle of the Quibbler.

“No point now we’ve got rid of Umbridge, is there?” said Harry, sitting down. Neville bumped his head against the seat as he emerged from under it. He looked most disappointed.

“I liked the D.A.! I learned loads with you!”

“I enjoyed the meetings too,” said Luna serenely. “It was like having friends.”

This was one of those uncomfortable things Luna often said and which made Harry feel a squirming mixture of pity and embarrassment. [137-138]

To that end, I am always ecstatic when Harry invites Luna to the Slug Club Christmas party.

Foreshadowing
Before we get into the meat, let’s check off some foreshadowing bits we’ve talked about before. Remember that Vanishing Cabinet, and the Opal Necklace, all the way from back in the Chamber of Secrets? Yeah, so did Draco. (Maybe he read the books too? Like in Spaceballs, where they’re watching the movie to try and figure out what happens? oh god I just compared Harry Potter to Spaceballs)

And before we get to the next book: Marvolo Gaunt’s ring has the Peverell crest, and Harry hides his Potions book in a spot marked by a bust wearing a tiara. You’re welcome.

The Prophecy
The prophecy states that neither Harry nor Voldemort may live while the other survives. Pretty straight-forward, for a prophecy. It shows that one of them has to kill the other. And one of the things Harry struggles with in this book is: is he really the Chosen One? And while yes, he totally is, all because Voldemort overreacted (based on false knowledge) and went ahead and marked him instead of Neville because he thought Harry was going to be the bigger threat, it does bring up a question:

What if Neville had been the Chosen One? What would Harry’s life had been like? Would they have switched places in the lore? For instance: Voldemort goes to kill Alice and Frank Longbottom. Would Alice have stood in Voldemort’s place, insisting that he kill her and to spare Neville, thereby giving Neville the same protection that Harry got from Lily? Or would Voldemort have managed to kill Neville, too? And then, if that was the case, would that still leave Harry as the one to defeat Voldemort, thinking that the Potters would be the next logical choice?

But let’s say that what happened to Harry happened to Neville — he goes to his gran’s, and Harry grows up with Mom and Dad and Uncle Remus and Uncle Sirius. Would he have been the same kid in first year, or would he have ended up more like Draco? Would he still have been friends with Ron and Hermione?

It’s interesting to think about. But now, back to the prophecy. Essentially, Harry is still able to operate using free will. He doesn’t have to fight Voldemort because of the prophecy, or even for revenge against his parents or even because it’s just the right thing to do. But because Voldemort put so much into the prophecy and believes the bit he heard to end up coming true, Harry keeps getting drawn in because he’s who Voldemort believes will be the one to try and kill him. It’s knotty.

Dumbledore’s Man
And even through the prophecy talk, Harry still trusts Dumbledore. It’s a quick question for me — why has Harry always been faithful to Dumbledore? Because here’s my experience: in the first two books, Harry sees Dumbledore for all of ten minutes by himself, but admits to having huge faith in Dumbledore’s abilities down in the Chamber with the Basilisk. Why? How does he know to have that much faith in a man he’s barely spoken to?

I think it took a lot on Dumbledore’s part at the end of Order of the Phoenix to reinstill that much faith, trust and loyalty back in Harry. And that’s why, to me, it seems just quick for Harry to proclaim to Scrimgeour that he’s Dumbledore’s man, through and through. (Although I do feel it’s completely appropriate for Harry to not want to work with the Ministry, and how awesome is the scene where Harry shows Scrimgeour his scars from the lines Umbridge gave him?)

Snape
Before we dive right into this topic, allow me to set the scene: It’s mid-July, 2005. I was working as Concessions Manager at the Maine State Music Theatre, and the president of the board’s children had all been to Bookland one fateful Saturday at midnight to pick up their editions of Half-Blood Prince. I was supposed to pick up the copy for my sister on Monday, which was my day off.

So that night, I’m down in the green room brewing coffee, and one of the girls leaves their copy on a table. And I look at it, then back to the coffee. Look at the book, then back at the coffee. Finally, after at least a pot of coffee’s worth of that type of back and forth, I tiptoe over to the book and specifically choose a part in the book that’s close to the end, but nowhere near where the action usually blows up.

I specifically remember saying to myself, “It’s only one sentence — what harm could I possibly do?”

The sentence I magically turn to:

“Don’ say that,” said Hagrid roughly. “Snape kill Dumbledore — don’ be stupid, Harry. Wha’s made yeh say tha’?” [607]

Just … just breathe that in for a second. Imagine if that was you, and you had always proclaimed yourself to be Snape’s Girl. And that sentence is the first sentence you read from this book.

Yeah. My head exploded. Fast-forward to Monday, where I’m sitting on the couch, skimming through the book furiously before my sister comes home, my dad teasing me for reading Missy’s book from halfway through so that I’d know what happens before she does (including throwing a rolled up paper or something at my head — I remember that, Dad). My only hope was that somewhere, in either the section before or the section after, that there would be a spark of hope — that Snape was acting on Dumbledore’s orders, that Dumbledore wasn’t actually dead. Something. Anything.

Missy couldn’t be right about this.

(If you know me in ‘real life,’ you know that this mania is similar to bets I’ve had with my friend Brad about Lost: They can’t be dead already, because Brad can’t be right about this [he wasn't])

As soon as she was done, I took her book and read it in record time, and I’ll never forget reading Dumbledore’s funeral for the first time: I was sitting cross-legged on the floor in my bedroom, and I was listening to U2′s Greatest Hits Volume I. I know this, because “All I Want is You” began playing as I began reading about the funeral. And that was the first time I’d cried reading a book.

And then this happened:
Me: I don’t care, I trust Snape to be good.
Missy: ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: I trust him. I know you don’t, but I think he did it for the right reason.
Missy: HE KILLED DUMBLEDORE
Me: I’ll bet he did it on Dumbledore’s orders to protect Draco!
Missy: What?!
Me: Or his Unbreakable Vow with Narcissa kicked in, forcing him to kill Dumbledore when it looked like Draco wasn’t going to do it.
Missy: No, you dumbass, he KILLED DUMBLEDORE because HE’S A FUCKING DEATH EATER.
Me: He’s still pretending to be a Death Eater!
Missy: Even Harry said — Snape’s not that good an actor!
Me: HOW DOES HARRY KNOW HOW GOOD AN ACTOR SNAPE IS, HE’S ONLY SEEN SNAPE FUCKING ACTING
Missy: SNAPE’S EVIL
Me: SNAPE’S GOOD and will BE REDEEMED in the last book!
Missy: THAT’S BULLSHIT
Me: YOU’RE BULLSHIT
Dad: WILL YOU TWO NERDS SHUT UP IN THERE I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

My final thought, and it’s about the movie: I really wish they had allowed Alan Rickman to go full throttle in his final scene in Half-Blood Prince. I mean, Snape rarely gets the chance to go all CAPSLOCKY, and he’s afforded the chance when he CAPSLOCKS at Harry to NOT! CALL HIM! A COWARD!! And it would have been a perfect bookend to the scene in Spinner’s End, where Bellatrix accuses him of not going through with the Unbreakable Vow because she believes him to be a coward.

And that’s why I should be a director.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: 5 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” by J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix presents a difficult problem for me: Harry Potter burnout. I am now well over the hump, so to speak, of the Harry Potter mania in which I have been immersing myself, and I have already begun contemplating the order of books I will attempt to get through next. (Hint: there are two re-reads in a beloved series; the next title in that same series; the last title in another, hated series; the first title in a series [with a movie coming out in December that stars my favorite pretend boyfriend]; and finally, a couple of beloved treasures that I have not yet reviewed. In other words, stay tuned.) And while my hope was to complete the entire series before going to see Deathly Hallows, Part II, rest assured that did not happen. The final consequence of all this immersion is that it is now harder for me to slog through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince than I would like to admit. And it’s not that I don’t love that entry in the series (and I’ll discuss that entry later, obviously); I’m just … I’m at the place where I want the next thing.

As Order of the Phoenix is the longest title in the series, I have attempted to create some coherence in an entry that would otherwise be at risk of being all over the map. Also, I would like to warn certain friends that have skipped around in the books, and, recognizing that there are some elements that were not in the movie, before I get too in-depth with this analysis, I must put a SPOILER ALERT on the whole proceedings.

That is all; proceed at your own risk.

Whiny Harry
Let us begin at the beginning – namely, the title character, and oh look, he brought his angst along for the ride this time.

I recognize that, in this entry, J.K. Rowling was attempting to show teenage angst from the viewpoint of her main character. I get it; show me a teenager that did not experience some level of angst during those years, and I’ll show you a future serial killer. Everyone goes through it. And as the Harry Potter series was, in some way, originally created as a young adult series, I can understand why it’s so important that the main character, as extraordinary as he is and in such extraordinary circumstances, goes through the same things that you or I did when we were fifteen. It’s another way in which we, the reader, can see our own problems in a character we admire. It makes us – and Harry – more human; more approachable.

Having said that – Jeebus H. Kristoff, were we reallythat awful? Did we really sound that entitled, that selfish, that … that bitchy? Really? Wait, you mean we actually sounded like this at some point?:

“Maybe [Dumbledore] thinks I can’t be trusted,” said Harry, watching their expressions.

“Don’t be thick,” said Ron, looking highly disconcerted.

“Or that I can’t take care of myself –”

“Of course he doesn’t think that!” said Hermione anxiously.

“So how come I have to stay at the Dursleys’ while you two get to join in everything that’s going on here?” said Harry, the words tumbling over one another in a rush, his voice growing louder with every word. “How come you two are allowed to know everything that’s going on –”

“We’re not!” Ron interrupted. “Mum won’t let us near the meeting, she says we’re too young –”

But before he knew it, Harry was shouting.

“SO YOU HAVEN’T BEEN IN THE MEETINGS, BIG DEAL! YOU’VE STILL BEEN HERE, HAVEN’T YOU? YOU’VE STILL BEEN TOGETHER! ME, I’VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS’ FOR A MONTH! AND I’VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO’VE EVER MANAGED AND DUMBLEDORE KNOWS IT – WHO SAVED THE SORCERER’S STONE? WHO GOT RID OF RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?”

Every bitter and resentful thought that Harry had had in the past month was pouring out of him; his frustration at the lack of news, the hurt that they had all been together without him, his fury at being followed and not told about it: All the feelings he was half-ashamed of finally burst their boundaries. [65-66]

I mean, really? We did that? Burst into loud yelling fits with no apparent reason – oh, we did, huh? Really, Mom? Oh.

Sorry.

But – as if being a teenaged wizard with abandonment issues and a god complex weren’t enough, Hermione later brings up another one of Harry’s psychoses that really paints a picture:

“You … This isn’t a criticism, Harry! But you do … sort of … I mean – don’t you think you’ve got a bit of a – a — saving-people-thing?” she said. [733]

If Harry Potter has a fatal flaw (and right now I can’t think of the term – it’s from Aristotelian drama or something), it has to be the need to save people. Be it the Sorcerer’s Stone from the hands of Snape, Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets – even saving Cedric from losing the Triwizard Tournament – Harry has to save people. And yes, all heroes have, to some extent, a saving-people thing. In a way, that’s what makes them heroes. But, in another way, that’s also what makes them crazy.

Professor Umbridge
Holy crap on a cracker, do I hate this woman. And I recognize that I am supposed to hate this woman. So, in a way, thank you, Ms. Rowling, for creating a character so uniformly hated by the entire populace who interacts in this fandom. I can’t think of a single person who actually likes Umbridge.

Aside from Voldemort, Umbridge has to be the best villain in the entire series. She’s a scorpion masquerading as a fluffy bunny. Even her kitten plates in her office are evil. She takes absolute glee in causing pain and suffering, and what’s worse, is that she knows what she’s doing is wrong. But for her, that’s what makes it that much better.

I mean, I cringe every time she issues another Educational Decree. I can feel the oppression that Umbridge is trying to create at Hogwarts when another Educational Decree is … well, decreed. I can only imagine that, given enough time and power, Umbridge could turn Hogwarts into something that resembles Auschwitz.

She’s that evil, guys. And that’s how much I hate her. That’s right – I just compared Umbridge to the Nazis.

Uh – moving on.

Professor McGonagall
On the other hand, there’s Professor McGonagall. She’d always been there, in the background in the previous books, but in Order of the Phoenix, she comes into her own as a character. And not just a character – a badass character. She is, as they would say on the interwebs, a badass motherfucker (BAMF).

Let’s look at the progression. Sure, there’s another smidgeon of the repartee between herself and Lee Jordan:

“And it’s Johnson, Johnson with the Quaffle, what a player that girl is, I’ve been saying it for years but she still won’t go out with me –”

“JORDAN!” yelled Professor McGonagall. [406]

But let’s also look at her interactions with Umbridge. From her inspection in which she blatantly ignores the High Inquisitor:

“Hem hem.“

“I wonder,” said Professor McGonagall in cold fury, turning on Professor Umbridge, “how you expect to gain an idea of my usual teaching methods if you continue to interrupt me? You see, I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking.”

[…]

“Very well,” [Umbridge] said, “you will receive the results of your inspection in ten days’ time.”

“I can hardly wait,” said Professor McGonagall in a coldly indifferent voice, and she strode off toward the door. “Hurry up, you three,” she added, sweeping Harry, Ron, and Hermione before her. Harry could not help giving her a faint smile and could have sworn he received one in return. [320-321]

She’s so confident in her badass-itude, she’s sharing a smile with Harry in their rebellion against the evil bitch.

And then there’s this gem:

“Potter has no chance whatsoever of becoming an Auror!”

Professor McGonagall got to her feet too, and in her case this was a much more impressive move. She towered over Professor Umbridge.

“Potter,” she said in ringing tones, “I will assist you to become an Auror if it is the last thing I do! If I have to coach you nightly I will make sure you achieve the required results!” [665]

And finally, my most favorite Professor McGonagall moment ever:

Indeed, a week after Fred and George’s departure Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinately loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, “It unscrews the other way.” [678]

Every time I read that line — every time — I put the book down so I can laugh. And then I cry a little bit, because Chris Columbus decided not to include Peeves in the first movie, which meant that that moment would never be seen on film.

Fred & George
And that provides an excellent segue into my most favorite scene from the entire series (thus far): Fred & George’s departure. As I said in my review for Goblet of Fire, Fred and George provide the humorous counterpoint to the drama surrounding Harry and his quest. But their first scene of true gravitas is, of course, their epic departure from Hogwarts:

“You two,” [Umbridge] went on, gazing down at Fred and George, “are about to learn what happens to wrongdoers in my school.”

“You know what?” said Fred. “I don’t think we are.”

He turned to his twin.

“George,” said Fred, “I think we’ve outgrown full-time education.”

“Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way myself,” said George lightly.

“Time to test our talents in the real world, d’you reckon?” asked Fred.

“Definitely,” said George.

[…]

“We won’t be seeing you,” Fred told Professor Umbridge, swinging his leg over his broomstick.

“Yeah, don’t bother to keep in touch,” said George, mounting his own.

Fred looked around at the assembled students, and at the silent, watchful crowd.

“If anyone fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three, Diagon Alley – Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes,” he said in a loud voice. “Our new premises!”

“Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they’re going to use our products to get rid of this old bat,” added George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.

[…]

Fred looked across the hall at the poltergeist bobbing on his level above the ground.

“Give her hell from us, Peeves.”

And Peeves, whom Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset. [674-675]

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT. And look, I’ll admit: I have quitting fantasies. There are days when I go in, thinking maybe today’s the day to bust out the Lester Burnham speech [warning: not safe for work, language]. Or, possibly, maybe I just toss my nametag down and bust open my uniform shirt to reveal my soundtrack shirt, at which point I’ll queue up “Eye of the Tiger,” or possibly “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi, or something equally as appropriate and sweet. But there are days when I wish that I were a wizard and, on my way out, could turn to someone and say, “Give ‘em hell for us, Peeves.” Or some sort of equivalent.

But I’m not going to quit, which is why they remain fantasies.

Sirius and Lupin
Before we get into weightier matters, let’s discuss the relationship between Sirius and Lupin. Because look: you can swear up one side and down the other that Lupin and Tonks fall in love and get married and have a baby (whoops – uh, spoiler alert?), but there ain’t NO WAY you are convincing me that Lupin and Sirius weren’t an item beforehand.

I mean, take a look at these pieces of evidence and try and tell me that they were ‘just friends’:

“Yes, but the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters,” said Sirius with a wry smile. “I know she’s a nasty piece of work, though – you should hear Lupin talk about her.” [302]

Sirius and Lupin had given Harry a set of excellent books entitled Practical Defensive Magic and Its Use Against the Dark Arts … [501]

“Here,” said Lupin quietly, and pointing his wand at Neville’s legs he said, “Finite.” The spell was lifted. Neville’s legs fell back onto the floor and remained still. Lupin’s face was pale. “Let’s – let’s find the others. Where are they all, Neville?”

Lupin turned away from the archway as he spoke. It sounded as though every word was causing him pain. [808]

See?

Aunt Petunia
I think Aunt Petunia is a revelation in this book. Before, she’d just been a shadow to Vernon, going along with everything he said to Harry and causing him equal amounts of misery. But here, she’s shown as a person with a history, and more importantly, more knowledge of Harry’s world than even she knows.

“A couple of – what’s this codswallop?”

“De – men – tors,” said Harry slowly and clearly. “Two of them.”

“And what the ruddy hell are dementors?”

“They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban,” said Aunt Petunia.

Two seconds’ ringing silence followed these words and then Aunt Petunia clapped her hand over her mouth as though she had let slip a disgusting swear word. [31]

When I read this passage, I do the same thing: read through it, and then shake my head and reread to ensure that yes, that was Aunt Petunia who spoke.

Even Harry recognizes this new information as a revelation:

[Petunia] was looking at Harry as she had never looked at him before. And all of a sudden, for the very first time in his life, Harry fully appreciated that Aunt Petunia was his mother’s sister. He could not have said why this hit him so very powerfully at this moment. All he knew was that he was not the only person in the room who had an inkling of what Lord Voldemort being back might mean. Aunt Petunia had never in her life looked at him like that before. Her large, pale eyes (so unlike her sister’s) were not narrowed in dislike or anger: They were wide and fearful. The furious pretense that Aunt Petunia had maintained all Harry’s life – that there was no magic and no world other than the world she inhabited with Uncle Vernon – seemed to have fallen away. [38]

And we, the reader, also remember here that Petunia was in fact related to Lily. It’s hard to remember in the first books that Petunia was related to a witch, but this little moment does a lot to remind us of that information. And, in a way, it also makes Harry’s world a little smaller. Just as the world isn’t truly divided into good people and Death Eaters, so the world is also not truly divided between wizards and Muggles.

Snape and his Memory
I don’t even know where to start. I mean, I have been Snape’s Girl since the beginning, since reading Sorcerer’s Stone and yelling at my sister that Snape was good, he was going to be a good guy and fight on the side of the light. Regardless of who was cast to play Snape (though I still thank God that He created Alan Rickman, because I can’t imagine anyone else who could have done that character justice), I would have trusted in him to the ends of the earth. I know a trope when I see one, guys, and Snape Being Good was proclaimed from the turrets in the first book.

But Snape’s Worst Memory – and the entire business about Occlumency – showed the more human side of Snape. That he was a person, that he had feelings, and that there was more to him than what he had shown Harry.

But before we get to the memory, we also learn that Snape is hiding fear:

“How come I saw through the snake’s eyes if it’s Voldemort’s thoughts I’m sharing?”

“Do not say the Dark Lord’s name!” spat Snape.

There was a nasty silence. They glared at each other across the Pensieve.

“Professor Dumbledore says his name,” said Harry quietly.

“Dumbledore is an extremely powerful wizard,” Snape muttered. “While he may feel secure enough to use the name … the rest of us …” He rubbed his left forearm, apparently unconsciously, on the spot where Harry knew the Dark Mark was burned into his skin. [332]

This scene shows how fearful Snape is of Voldemort, regardless of what role he is currently playing. (We learn more about this role in the next book, so I won’t get into it here.)

And then, there’s the memory. And, being Snape’s Girl, I cringe every time Harry makes the decision to peek into the Pensieve. I want to yell, “Come on, you berk, don’t do that! That shit’s private! How do you feel every time Snape sees Dudley bullying you in your memories? He’s a person too!” But that doesn’t matter to Harry, because he doesn’t think Snape’s hiding anything personal; he thinks he (along with the rest of the ‘grown-ups,’ if you will) are hiding stuff about the Department of Mysteries from him, because he’s a baby and nobody tells him anything and oh look, it’s Whiny McWhinerson reporting for duty again.

But then when he sees the memory, there’s elation at the fact that he gets to follow the Marauders around for an afternoon. He gets to see Sirius and James in action, and of course Harry’s going to hang around with them at any chance he can get. But when he sees James for who he really was back in ‘high-school,’ flipping Snape upside-down just because he could, Harry feels legitimately awful. And I hate Sirius a little bit for smoothing over the whole thing later, by saying James and Snape just hated each other and that was that, because that alleviates Harry’s huge guilt over what he shouldn’t have seen in the Pensieve.

And as much as I enjoyed the movie, I still say that Snape’s Worst Memory was not done justice in either Order of the Phoenix or in Deathly Hallows, Part II. And I’ll touch more on that later.

The Prophecy
This topic was hugely discussed once everyone had read Order of the Phoenix. What did that mean? Maybe Harry wasn’t the Chosen One, maybe it was someone else who had to kill Voldemort? I mean, yeah, Dumbledore explains that because Voldemort’s an impatient prat (and the fact that Voldemort only heard the first part of the prophecy) he went ahead and marked Harry as his equal in trying to kill him, thereby naming Harry as the other person in the prophecy, but what if it had been someone like Neville?

But before I get to him, let me take one moment to talk about Dumbledore. He says this, when leading himself up to telling Harry about the Prophecy:

“Do you see, Harry? Do you see the flaw in my brilliant plan now? I had fallen into the trap I had foreseen, that I had told myself I could avoid, that I must avoid.” [838]

Dumbledore had a brilliant plan. And the way I interpreted it on this go-round, having read Deathly Hallows before, is that he had a plan, and Harry was a part of it. To me, this revealed a cunning, manipulative side of Dumbledore that we hadn’t previously seen. In essence, he’s admitting to using Harry as a pawn in a larger game of Wizard’s Chess than he had anticipated.

Makes you think.

Neville Longbottom
And now, my final topic (yay!): Neville. Neville, who we have seen in the background throughout this series so far, is now coming into his own. Punching Malfoy when he makes a snide remark about St. Mungo’s (I’m unsure if Malfoy knows the significance of that ward to Neville; I’m inclined to believe he doesn’t, and that, even amongst enemies, some things are left sacred), devoting his time and energy to Dumbledore’s Army so much that he almost becomes equal with Harry (and much better than Ron) at some of those jinxes and anti-curses. Who’s to say, if Voldemort’s spy had heard the last half of the prophecy, would Neville have become Voldemort’s equal?

Thus concludes my longest entry ever. I think it’s fitting, as this book is, I believe, even longer than Gone With the Wind. But, even if it isn’t longer, I think the true testament to how awesome the series is (in the true sense of the word awesome) is how much this book makes us think and imagine.

Thanks, Ms. Rowling.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: 4 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” by J.K. Rowling

This will probably be a difficult entry for me to write — and, for that matter, probably for you all to read. After all, Goblet of Fire is at least the second-longest book in the series, and a lot happens in it. Second of all, I am still deeply hurt over some omissions that were made in the movie, and as I realized while re-reading this, I am not over it yet. (I’ve only seen the movie once, it’s my least favorite movie out of the entire series, and yet still water runs deep in me about this.)

As I’ve done with the other titles, I’m not going to get too much into plot. If you haven’t read it and wish to remain spoiler-free, I’d suggest you turn away now, because shit goes down in this one. If you’ve read it, then you can understand how — in this instance only — I’m going to be like the movie and do some serious editing.

Let’s start with something that made me go “huh.” First, in the scene in the Riddle House, where Frank Bryce is watching Voldemort and Wormtail talk, Voldemort calls Wormtail ‘Wormtail.’ I can only assume that Wormtail asked Voldemort to call him that instead of ‘Pettigrew.’ Because otherwise, why would Voldie do that? Ooh — unless to try and tap into some guilt Pettigrew may have over being the betrayers of the Potters? To keep him in his place? I don’t know … to me, it seems slightly out of character for Voldemort, but I’m sure there’s a reason that I’m unaware of.

No matter how many times I read this book (this is at least the third time for me, and I’m sure I’ll reread the series again in a few years), I will always find myself reading quicker through the section where Ron and Harry are fighting. I praise Ms. Rowling for being able to write about a silly teenage fight between best friends with such pain and discomfort. I always feel my skin prickle when Ron and Harry fight — mainly because I have been there before. The awkwardness; the wanting to share something funny and/or awesome, but then remembering that you’re not talking to him/her. It is always so painful for me to read, and I end up speeding through that section until after the first task, when Ron tries to apologize to Harry but Harry won’t let him because he knows they were both being stupid. And then Hermione starting to cry and call them both idiots makes me smile, because I’ve been on that side of things too.

Cedric Diggory. Up until the last task (even knowing what was to come), I couldn’t help laughing over the passages where he is described. Yes, Cedric is a very sweet boy, and know I didn’t laugh as much before the movie was made, and I think I didn’t laugh that much even when I reread the series before Deathly Hallowswas released. But now that the guy who played Cedric is all over the tabloids for playing that stupid sparkling vampire (VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE), I can’t help but snigger over these:

“Ah, now, this is one of mine, isn’t it?” said Mr. Ollivander, with much more enthusiasm, as Cedric handed over his wand. “Yes, I remember it well. Containing a single hair from the tail of a particularly fine male unicorn … must have been seventeen hands; nearly gored me with his horn after I plucked his tail. Twelve and a quarter inches … ash … pleasantly springy. It’s in fine condition. You treat it regularly?”

“Polished it last night,” said Cedric, grinning. [309]

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just — *gasp* THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

Completely forgetting about dinner, he walked slowly back up to Gryffindor Tower, Cho’s voice echoing in his ears with every step he took. “Cedric — Cedric Diggory.” He had been starting to quite like Cedric — prepared to overlook the fact that he had once beaten him at Quidditch, and was handsome, and popular, and nearly everyone’s favorite champion. Now he suddenly realized that Cedric was in fact a useless pretty boy who didn’t have enough brains to fill an eggcup. [397-398]

Having said all that and had that bit of fun, however, does not negate the seriousness of Cedric’s death. The speech that Dumbledore gives at the Leaving Feast is somber, full of portent, and yet, also hope. The first two times I read this, there were no tears. But I wholly admit that I got choked up at Dumbledore’s final paragraph for the first time on this read:

“Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory.” [724]

Mad-Eye Moody is a special case (obviously). Because when I first read this, I thought Moody was awesome. For the first time, they had a teacher who was teaching them how to deflect curses, to actually defend oneself against the Dark Arts. I mean, yeah, Lupin was also an excellent teacher, and Harry uses his techniques against some creatures put in the maze, but Moody was kick-ass. He was kind to Neville*, he helped Harry and was encouraging in all of Harry’s endeavors, and he hated Snape.

When it’s revealed that he’s actually Barty Crouch Jr., it was a shock. It was something we were not expecting at all. And that, after the graveyard scene with Voldemort and his Death Eaters; that scene with Barty Crouch was one of the first to really drive home the idea that there are bad people everywhere.

*And here’s something I just thought of. Why was he being kind to Neville?! He was one of the Death Eaters who tortured his parents!! And this is one of the things that isn’t good about having a book so big. I mean, you see Moody being nice to Neville, and your heart warms. Then you hear that Barty Crouch Jr. was a Death Eater. Then you learn that Mad-Eye Moody is actually Barty Crouch Jr. Polyjuiced like, a frillion times over, and then when you write your review of Goblet of Fire, you go WAITAMINUTE. I mean, was it guilt over his part in the torturing? Was it something to throw everyone off the non-existant-at-the-time scent? What was his motivation in that scene!?

And that leads me to Snape, and my first rant against the movie. Snape takes kind of a backseat in this entry in the series; J.K. Rowling is more interested in showing us the relationship Harry is building with Moody than reiterating the hate-hate relationship between Snape and Harry. And we see hints of weirdness in the couple of scenes between Snape and Karkaroff. But the biggest scene — the scene that made me sit up and pay attention all those years ago — that’s one of the scenes Mike Newell and Steve Kloves decide to cut out?

I’m talking, of course, about Snape revealing his Dark Mark to Fudge and Dumbledore, trying to convince Fudge that Voldie’s back on the job. And then, after Fudge storms out, Dumbledore sending Snape … well, we’re not exactly sure, but the insinuation is quite clear:

“Severus,” said Dumbledore, turning to Snape, “you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready … if you are prepared …”

“I am,” said Snape.

He looked slightly paler than usual, and his cold, black eyes glittered strangely.

“Then good luck,” said Dumbledore, and he watched, with a trace of apprehension on his face, as Snape swept wordlessly after Sirius. [713]

Having seen Dumbledore’s Pensieve memory about the Death Eater trial, and also heard Dumbledore vouch for Snape, we’re left to believe that he’s being sent to spy on Voldemort for Dumbledore’s troops.

And I cannot tell you how many times I reread this paragraph, trying to suss out who Voldemort was speaking of:

“And here we have six missing Death Eaters … three dead in my service. One, too cowardly to return … he will pay. One, who I believe has left me forever … he will be killed, of course … and one, who remains my most faithful servant, and who has already reentered my service.”

The Death Eaters stirred, and Harry saw their eyes dart sideways at one another through their masks.

“He is at Hogwarts, that faithful servant, and it was through his efforts that our young friend arrived here tonight …” [651-652]

This bit of information, coupled with Dumbledore sending Snape out to be a spy, caused me and my sister to reinstigate the epic fight of Snape: Good or Evil?

Me: See?! Dumbledore is sending him to be a spy for Voldemort! He’s a good guy!
Missy: How do you know that he’s not going to spy on Dumbledore for Voldemort?
Me: Because Dumbledore vouched for him! Are you insinuating that Dumbledore’s faith is misplaced?
Missy: Voldemort said that his most faithful servant was at Hogwarts. Who works at Hogwarts? Oh, jeeze, let me think for a second, OH RIGHT SNAPE WORKS AT HOGWARTS.
Me: His most faithful servant was Crouch-as-Moody, because the servant was supposed to help Harry get to the graveyard.
Missy: How do you know that Snape wasn’t working with Crouch?
Me: What, Voldie’s going to kill Crouch because he thinks he’s left him forever? Come on!
Missy: His plan didn’t work! Harry escaped!
Me: Voldemort doesn’t know that at that point in his monologue!
Missy: SNAPE’S EVIL
Me: SNAPE’S NOT EVIL
Dad: Will you two nerds shut up? I’m trying to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark out here.

Why am I so pissed at the movie about leaving this scene out? It’s … it’s so important, that’s all! I mean, I can’t remember if we see the scene in the movie where Karkaroff names Snape as a Death Eater, but (at the time), I felt leaving the Dark Mark scene out at the end wouldn’t allow future filmmakers to truly explore the tensions of Snape’s character. Seeing as how I’m about five days away from seeing the last movie, my original opinion was wrong, but I’m still pissed off about it.

And that leads me to my final point: The Weasley Twins. Fred and George are easily some of my favorite secondary characters, and here’s where Newell and Kloves really failed me. I’m talking about the end. In the movie, Harry, Ron and Hermione stand on one of the turrets or whatever and watch the Beauxbatons carraige and the Durmstrang ship sail away from Hogwarts. Whereas in the book, we see this:

The twins turned. Harry pulled open his trunk and drew out his Triwizard winnings.

“Take it,” he said, and he thrust the sack into George’s hands.

“What?” said Fred, looking flabbergasted.

“Take it,” Harry repeated firmly. “I don’t want it.”

“You’re mental,” said George, trying to push it back at Harry.

“No, I’m not,” said Harry. “You take it, and get inventing. It’s for the joke shop.”

“He is mental,” Fred said in an almost awed voice.

“Listen,” said Harry firmly. “If you don’t take it, I’m throwing it down the drain. I don’t want it and I don’t need it. But I could do with a few laughs. We could all do with a few laughs. I’ve got a feeling we’re going to need them more than usual before long.” [733]

We could all do with a few laughs. More than anything, Fred and George show us the levity amongst the danger, the terrors, and the drama surrounding Harry at all times. And this moment, in the midst of Voldemort’s return and the brutal murder of a pureblood student for no reason by the Dark Lord’s hands, Harry knows exactly what someone would need: humor. He turns to his friend’s brothers and asks them to continue to be in charge of the humor. And what that does is reinstigate hope, that in the end of the War against Voldemort, there will be a cause and a method for laughter again.

And I think that would have been a better, more powerful ending.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: 3.5 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” by J.K. Rowling

I will probably be unable to pin down exactly why this entry in the Harry Potter series is, quite possibly, my favorite. Maybe it was because it introduced a character that loved Harry for who he is, and was going to eventually rescue him from his existence with the Dursleys. Maybe it’s that we start to see Dumbledore truly intervening and manipulating how events happen. Maybe it’s because there’s absolutely no tension between Ron, Harry, or Hermione (except for the part where Harry and Ron are confused as to how she’s taking so many classes).

Actually, I think what I love about it is that it lets us see a glimpse of Harry’s parents as they lived. With the introduction of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, we are now able to see a fuller, rounder version of James and Lily. Well, James, anyway. Because up until now, it’s been all about how Harry looks like his father, but has his mother’s eyes. But we don’t know what that means. We’ve known that James and Lily were both in Gryffindor, and that James played Quidditch, and that James and Lily were loved by everybody except Severus Snape.

But now, we learn that James had three close friends in Sirius, Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. We are led to believe that Sirius betrayed the Potters, but of course it turns out to be the one nicknamed Wormtail. We learn that James, Sirius and Lupin were so loyal to each other, that James and Sirius became Animagi to stay close to Lupin during his transformations. (We also learn that Pettigrew masters this trick as well, but we learn he does it to remain close to powerful people, not out of the love that James and Sirius have.) We learn that James is honorable, in that when Sirius decided to play a prank on Snape, James saves Snape’s life.

And I love that they were, essentially, merry pranksters. When Snape tries to get the Marauder’s Map to reveal itself, their sense of humor shines. Of course they would be making a map of all the hidden stuff in Hogwarts. And, as Lupin says:

“I have no hesitation in saying that James would have been highly disappointed if his son had never found any of the secret passages out of the castle.” [424-425]

And in that moment, I take a second and imagine what Harry’s life could have been if James and Lily hadn’t been murdered. To be honest, probably not all that interesting. [I'll revisit this theory in a later post.]

So at this point in the series, we are starting to learn some of the personalities that fought in the original Wizarding war. Of course, some of it is all going to get blown to hell when I reread Order of the Phoenix, but let’s leave it at this nice place for now and move on to other things.

Let’s see, what else … well, let’s talk about the movie. This is the HP movie I have seen the most. I saw it three times when it was in theatres, and then I bought my own copy (my sister currently has all … six out of seven? I think we owe her Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 for something). In my last year of college, I was taking a lot of arty project-style classes — Costuming and Makeup. So there were many a night where I was staying up late to complete homework. And Prisoner of Azkaban and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy were my go-to background noise movies. I think there was one project where I watched both of them twice. Alfonso Cuaron took the first step towards the dark series it was about to become, and I can’t thank him enough.

Steve Kloves, however … I don’t want to get into it too much, because I’m pretty sure all the HP freaks like me are following the same news, but, dude — stop giving Ron’s lines to Hermione. Because here’s how it’s written in the book:

[...] Ron, however, spoke to Black.

“If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!” he said fiercely, though the effort of standing upright was draining him of still more color, and he swayed slightly as he spoke. [339]

And here’s how it ended up in the movie (just watch the first minute, that’s all you need):

STOP GIVING HERMIONE RON’S LINES, RON IS IMPORTANT TOO

Other things of note from Prisoner of Azkaban:

If I haven’t mentioned it before, one of my favorite characters is Lee Jordan. He doesn’t show up much, but he’s always hilarious when he does. Especially when he commentates for the school Quidditch matches. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the great comedic team of Jordan and McGonagall could rival that of Fozzie the Bear and Statler & Waldorf:

“They’re off, and the big excitement this match is the Firebolt that Harry Potter is flying for Gryffindor. According to Which Broomstick, the Firebolt’s going to be the broom of choice for the national teams at this year’s World Championship –”

“Jordan, would you mind telling us what’s going on in the match?” interrupted Professor McGonagall’s voice.

“Right you are, Professor — just giving a bit of background information — the Firebolt, incidentally, has a built-in auto-brake and –”

“Jordan!”

“Okay, okay, Gryffindor in possession …” [259-260]

“Gryffindor leads by eighty points to zero, and look at that Firebolt go! Potter’s really putting it through its paces now, see it turn — Chang’s Comet is just no match for it, the Firebolt’s precision-balance is really noticeable in these long –”

“JORDAN! ARE YOU BEING PAID TO ADVERTISE FIREBOLTS? GET ON WITH THE COMMENTARY!” [260-261]

Foreshadowing Fun: Harry is reading A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot in the first chapter.

More Foreshadowing Fun: Our first introduction to Cedric Diggory:

“[The Hufflepuff Team's] got a new Captain and Seeker, Cedric Diggory –”

Angelina, Alicia, and Katie suddenly giggled.

“What?” said Wood, frowning at this lighthearted behavior.

“He’s that tall, good-looking one, isn’t he?” said Angelina.

“Strong and silent,” said Katie, and they started to giggle again.

“He’s only silent because he’s too thick to string two words together,” said Fred impatiently.” [168-169]

The only reason this is so freaking funny to be is because in Goblet of Fire, Cedric Diggory is played by … Robert Pattinson. And he is too thick to string two words together. Look, I’ve sat through two Twilight movies, and while Goblet of Fire is my least-favorite Harry Potter movie, I will gladly sit through that a hundred times before being forced to watch Twilight again.

And finally, I leave you with this, the (second) best thing to come out of the internets where Harry Potter is concerned [warning for language!]:

Grade for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: 5 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” by J.K. Rowling

I think this one is my least favorite in the series. And I’m not sure if it’s because everything seems to go wrong for Harry throughout the book, from Dobby and the pudding, to Malfoy and Quidditch, to fricking Gilderoy Lockhart, or if it’s because the movie has now overshadowed the reading of the book. I’m not sure.

I do have to say that, as much as I adore Kenneth Branaugh, I just want to punch Gilderoy Lockhart in the face. A lot. Like, just having his memory erased was too good for that smug sonofabitch. In fact, it’s only the fact that Kenneth Branaugh was in the movie in the first place that Chamber of Secrets is my second-to-least favorite movie. (Stay tuned two books later for why I’ve never rewatched Goblet of Fire.)

But seriously, let’s look at Harry in this one. He’s behaving as well as he possibly can, and then Dobby, who has absolutely no inkling of how tough it is to be a boy wizard in a crazy normal world, goes and mucks everything up because Harry wants to return to the wizarding world. Repeatedly. And when Dobby isn’t mucking things up, or when he mucks it up just enough to make it through, Lockhart comes along with all his idiocracy and doesn’t just muck it up, but fucks it up. Dude, if you don’t know how to fix broken bones, then don’t do it. Just run away and modify everyone’s memory later, okay? Stick to what you’re good at, asshat.

And, sidenote, is it ever explicitly stated why Dobby wreaks havoc in Harry’s life? I mean, I know that Lucius* is planning to cause chaos at Hogwarts this year, using Riddle’s Diary, but does Lucius Malfoy explicitly tell Dobby, “Hey, Dobs, make sure Harry doesn’t come back to Hogwarts this year”? Because honestly, that just shows how completely stupid Malfoy is. If I were Malfoy, I’d want to make sure that my plan uses Harry as a scapegoat. And while Harry is almost always in the wrong place at the wrong time (even Snape says so!), he always gets out of the punishment and away from the blame. If I were a criminal mastermind in the employ of You-Know-Who, I’d freaking have my scapegoat locked up so fingers don’t come back to point at me. Lucius, that’s just shoddy workmanship!

To get back to Dobby and his involvement: again, unless Malfoy Sr. said to Dobby offline, “I need to make sure that Harry doesn’t survive the plan,” and sent Dobby to Privet Drive and to the Quidditch field and King’s Cross, I don’t understand what the point of it is. Because I’m pretty sure that a house-elf under such strict rule as the Malfoy household would be allowed to act on his own. I mean, yeah, sure, Dobby explains that house-elfs look upon Harry as a hero (and honestly, who doesn’t in the non-evil wizarding world?), but would Dobby be allowed to leave Malfoy Manor and “help” Harry? I don’t think so.

*I can never not type that as Lucious first. I don’t know why; it’s the same reason I always spell marriage wrong on first blush. Lucious Malfoy. Oh god. And I’m not one of those weird Malfoy fangirls, either. I mean, I love Jason Isaacs in the role of Malfoy, but I’m a Snape girl through and through. Shut up, all of you.

Other things: Yeah, Gilderoy Lockhart is a smug asshat. And I still don’t see why he’s Hermione’s first crush. You’d think she’d be smarter than that. I don’t recall that they played that up in the movies, though, which is good. Again, I think I’ve rewatched Chamber of Secrets once, because it wasn’t that great.

What else… oh, right, the foreshadowing! I’m going to mention two things that were seen in first Borgin and Burkes, and secondly over Filch’s office, and then I won’t say anything more about them until later: opal necklace, and vanishing cabinet.

So in this book, Harry meets Voldemort for the second time — only this time, it’s a shadow of His Evilness’s former self. And Harry is finally able to realize that, though the Sorting Hat wanted to put him into Slytherin, it is the choices he made and the loyalty he showed that proved he belonged to Gryffindor. I’ve been saying that a lot recently, in my real life: the choices one makes directly affect any consequences or rewards that are due to you. And I think that’s an important lesson to be aware of.

And Gilderoy Lockhart’s consequence is total memory loss as a result of being a vain dick. I heart symmetry.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: 2.5 stars

Fiction: “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” by J.K. Rowling

How do I even attempt to talk about Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone? I mean, first of all, this is at least the fourth time I’ve read this title, possibly the fifth. And as if that weren’t enough, I would estimate that the majority of the modern world has at least seen the movie, if not read the book as well. Heck, even my mother got through this one before giving up (she’s not one to read about fantastical stuff).

So to me, it’s not even worth it at this point to talk about the plot — everyone knows about the plot. And it’s not worth it to talk about the characters — everyone knows the characters, too, and in some cases on the Internets, you can’t get them to shut up about the characters.

So I guess, let’s look at the book this way: through my memories of it.

My sister had read up through, Prisoner of Azkaban, I believe? when she made me sign a contract that I would at least read Sorcerer’s Stone before graduating high school. I was, well, in high school when the books started coming out and gaining in popularity, and I have to thank this series because it turned my sister into a reader. Not a reader like me, where I am an older version of Rory Gilmore, always carrying a book in my purse; but Missy tore through the Harry Potter books whenever a new one came out, and this was the first (and possibly only) time she forced me to read a book.

No, wait — she made me read Twilight, too. Thanks, Kid.

Anyway. I had postponed reading it — I was rereading the Sue Grafton series, or I was just being difficult, or whatever. But the fact remains that I kept putting it off. And before I knew it, I was coming back from Six Flags Massachusetts with the rest of my senior class, and this was the book in my backpack to read on the ride back. And my sister’s contract rang in the back of my head, and dudes, you don’t know my sister, okay, but she can be scary at times. And she was scary back when she was in eighth grade and I was graduating high school. So I figured, ‘hey, I had better read this quick before she pummels me.’

And I did. And it took me two days. And then, the epic sister vs. sister fight began.

“Snape’s a good guy.”

“No he isn’t, Alaina — he hates Harry!”

“If he truly hated Harry, he would have let Quirrell kill him in Quidditch.”

“He had a life debt with Harry’s father — oh, you don’t know what that means yet.”

“Okay, but still, he’s going to be a good guy, you just watch.”

“What do you know, Alaina.”

“I WATCH ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TV. IT’S CALLED A TROPE.” (PS, this may have been before TV Tropes? DUDES, DON’T CLICK THERE UNLESS YOU HAVE LIKE, HOURS TO WASTE, you will get SUCKED IN)

Okay, and to prove the above point about TV Tropes, TWENTY MINUTES LATER, let me CONTINUE to describe how I feel about Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. God. (seriously, here was my path: Home Page >> Love Tropes >> Belligerent Sexual Tension >> The Zeroeth Law of Trope Examples >> Out, Out Damned Spot >> A Tree Grows in Brooklyn >> Officer O’Hara >> Psych >> Lassiter’s Facebook Page AND THEN I WAS FREE)

ANYWAY. AS I WAS SAYING. GOD.

I knew way back then that Snape was good. And Missy had two extra books on me at the time. This fight lasted approximately six years, because it didn’t end until we read Deathly Hallows. As I continue to reread the series (leading up to the last movie), I will describe more and more the fights my sister and I had on this subject.

An interesting thing to me as I read this book for the at least fourth time was seeing all the hints Ms. Rowling drops along the way of what will come. I mean, you don’t know when you first read it how the series will end, but now that you know the roles that everyone plays …

I have read this book four times (at least). This was the first time I got choked up when Dumbledore awarded Neville Longbottom those pivotal 10 points for standing up to his friends, thereby winning Gryffindor the House Cup. I mean … *sniff*

So. That was a ramble and a half. I apologize. But it’s hard to put into coherent thoughts your feelings about a book that everyone else has read. We’ll see how this reread goes.

Grade for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone: 3.5 stars

Fiction: “The Golden Compass” by Philip Pullman

Okay. I’ve been staring at this blank entry form for about an hour (in between catching up on Glee, because how did Jeremy the TiVo end up at 81% again? The hell?), and I realized that trying to explain this book would be really hard. And I’m not sure I’m up for it.

Lyra Belacqua is a young girl living at Jordan College. Her guardian, Lord Asriel(*), comes to visit her and give a meeting at the College, and that’s where she first learns about Dust. See? Already, I’m having to back up. The universe that this story is set in is ultra-religious, and everyone is trying to figure out what the Dust is, and whether it’s bad or good. Also, there’s this group of people called Gobblers, and they steal children. Also also, and probably, I should have led with this: a person’s soul is anthropomorphized (god I hope I spelled that right) as an animal, called a daemon. Before the child enters puberty, the daemon has the ability to change shapes. Once they become adults, however, the daemon maintains its shape. These all become important the further into the story one gets.

Lyra’s journey begins when Mrs. Coulter arrives at Jordan and ‘adopts’ Lyra, promising that she will take the child to the North, where her guardian, Lord Asriel, is currently doing research. When Lyra learns that Mrs. Coulter is in charge of the Gobblers, she escapes and runs to the gyptians (I’m not sure if they’re supposed to be gypsies, or Egyptians. Possibly both), who have been hardest hit by the Gobblers. They vow revenge and travel up to the North, to do multiple things: mainly to rescue the children, also to stop what Mrs. Coulter and the Gobblers are doing, and also to rescue Lord Asriel, who has been captured by the panserbjorne, which is North-Speak for Polar Bear That Can Talk.

But, this book is so much more than that. I find it hard to talk about it coherently because it’s so dense. I mean, it’s about how adults treat children; it’s about the state of one’s soul; it’s about bravery and choices and science and religion and discovery and talking bears. I can say without spoiling anything that Lyra is an amazing little heroine. She’s full of spunk (Lou Grant would hate her), and she has little to no fear. Along with Alice Liddel and Hermione Granger, she’s an excellent role model for little girls.

Oh, I should explain the title. Lyra is given an aletheiometer from one of the Masters at Jordan before she goes with Mrs. Coulter to London. Through chance, Lyra learns she can read the aletheiometer, which looks like a compass with different needles and symbols, but what it really does is act as a … well, truth-teller, for lack of a better descriptor. Lyra can ask it questions and it answers them. Not really soothsaying or seeing the future, it’s much more precise than that.

Here’s a metaphor I just thought of. No, seriously, go with me on this. The Golden Compass — or, as it’s known in Britain, Northern Lights, and no, I don’t know why they changed the title in America (aside from American publishers tend to be idiots when it comes to that stuff: see Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Sorcerer’s Stone) — is the first book in a trilogy. Using Star Wars as an example, The Golden Compass is not A New Hope. From my standpoint, The Golden Compass is almost The Empire Strikes Back in tone and ending. In order to get the complete story, I have to read the other two books.

And I will. Just not right now.

(*): In 2007, The Golden Compass was made into a movie. Nicole Kidman played Mrs. Coulter, and Lord Asriel was played by … my Pretend Boyfriend #1, Daniel Craig. Yes, this is on my Netflix queue. Why do you ask?

Grade for The Golden Compass: 3 stars

Fiction: “Beauty” by Robin McKinley

I think I decided I wanted to reread this sometime during the time I was reading the Fables graphic novel compilations. I know I’ve read this at least once before in my lifetime, and I greatly remember attempting to complete the book at least three times prior to that first completion. I figured Hey, it should be easier to read this time around, right?

Well, in terms of reading level, yeah. I think I got my original copy of Beauty back when I was eight or nine? Maybe? I got as far as the end of the second part, and then gave up. Each time.

I did take a pause in Beauty this time around, but only for a couple of days (homework got in the way). And the impression I am left with is twofold: 1) Why did I try so hard to finish reading this the first time around, and 2) What’s with the Beast?

Oh right: Beauty is listed as “A Retelling of the Story of Beauty & The Beast.” Now, maybe it’s because I’ve kind of grown towards stories that have the plot but in a different setting, or, different characteristics. But this story is pretty much the same story everyone knows: Family with a rather plain daughter lives/moves to the country; father gets lost in the woods one day, comes home and says that because he took something that seems worthless (but was worth a lot), he must now send his daughter to live in this abandoned castle with a beast for the rest of her life. Father agonizes – No! Not my daughter! -, but she goes nearly willingly. The Beast is scary, but they overcome. Daughter returns to her father when she finds he’s been sick, Beast hopes she’ll return but doesn’t hold hope. She does return, but Beast is dying, and when she professes her love for him, he turns into a prince.

Here’s the problem I have rereading this particular retelling: The Beast? Not scary! He isn’t even described as being all that hideous. He speaks pleasantly, is very polite with Beauty, and she takes a shining to him very quickly. When she goes back to visit her family to tell her sister that her sister’s fiance has returned from being presumed dead, he lets her go with nary a fight. When she comes back in a week, he’s nice about the fact that she took her damn time and he almost died, and then finally, she admits that she loves him, and he turns into a prince.

I dunno – maybe I’m totally used to the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast (which I totally need to watch again, I’m not even kidding – and I will, as soon as this friggin’ rewatch of Lost is over, and, sidebar, aren’t you guys supposed to tell me when my ideas are stupid?), but the Beast is supposed to be scary. He’s supposed to have descended into animal-dom, not act like a man in a really big fur suit. Beauty is supposed to be able to make him want to be a man again.

Overall, I was rather … disappointed. For once, Disney did something right and made a movie better than the book. I know; I’m shocked, too.