Fiction: “Breaking Dawn” by Stephenie Meyer

Oh, my god, you guys. You GUYS. I’m FINALLY DONE with these stupid vampires.

I don’t even know where to begin with this. I have five-and-a-half pages of quotes from this book in a Word document. If I had thought about it ahead of time, I would have taken a picture of the book with all its little Post-It Flags throughout. Way more than New Moon did.

I guess I’ll start with the plot. It begins with Bella and Edward engaged, about a week before the wedding. Now, I’ve read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies, and let me say that I was totally expecting the wedding to result in a horrible, awful bloodbath, sent down by the Volturi, or maybe that kid from Bella’s high school who loves her, or maybe Edward would end up in a panic and just frickin’ shave his head like Marshall did on How I Met Your Mother, but as I think that I realize that would be ridiculous, because according to this “canon,” everything about a vampire is strong, which means he would break the razor on his head, and then that makes me think about Pauley D from Jersey Shore, I mean have you seen that hair? That hair is immune to nuclear bombs.

That is how my mind works, ladies and gentlemen. (You’re scared now, aren’t ya?)

Okay, so anyway, I was expecting the Battle of the Bride or something at the wedding. But it went off without a hitch. Seriously? No cold feet? No explosions of fire that aren’t fireworks? Nothing? I would be disappointed, but then I remember that I’m reading a Twilight book, and I stop being disappointed and start being awesome instead.

[Note to self: stop watching so much How I Met Your Mother.]

So Bella and Edward go on their honeymoon, which is on their own private island (well, Carlisle’s own private island) off the coast of Brazil. And there they have sex once (FINALLY, but oh it is the vaguest of vagues. It’s all “we went to bed and FADE TO BLACK and then I woke up and it was AWESOME” but NO ONE GOT TO SEE ANYTHING. And folks, there are TWO REASONS I read romance novels occasionally, and those reasons are “They’re Cheesy” and “And so is the sex descriptions.” BUT AT LEAST WE GET TO READ ABOUT QUIVERING MEMBERS), and because apparently there are bruises all over Bella’s body from teh sexing, Edward actually takes a stand with Oprah and says LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT and refuses to have sex with Bella anymore. Until she seduces him, because apparently, our little Bella, she likes it rough. (Who knew? She’s so whiny all the time, I didn’t expect that.) So they have sex like, one more time, and all of a sudden SHE’S PREGNANT.

And — how — I doo—

IF VAMPIRES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD, AND THE “VENOM” IN THIS CANON “FREEZES EVERYTHING INTO PERFECTION” or whatever, then HOW THE FUCK IS EDWARD’S SPERM MOTILE?

*sigh*

So ANYWAY, Edward wants to bring Bella home to Carlisle immediately to perform an awkward vampire abortion, but no she wants it she needs it her preciousssss and she uses Rosalie, previously known as The Bitch of the Cullen family, to her advantage: Rosalie only wanted BABBIEEEES, and now she has a chance to have a BABBIEEEEE in the family, and Bella wants to keep her precious little fetus that, oh right, is also killing her slowly.

At this point, the narrative switches from Bella’s whiny emo tones to Jacob’s funny, sarcastic side. Which doesn’t really serve a purpose other than: we don’t have to hear Bella’s thoughts while the baby kills her from the inside, we only see what Bella goes through. In such awful, horrific detail, but then I saw the movie and was saddened that there wasn’t more blood.

So the baby gets born, and it wasn’t the son that Bella was hoping for, but instead a girl, and she picks the STUPIDEST NAME ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH: Renesmee, a mash-up of Renee and Esme, her and Edward’s ‘mother’, respectively. Also, the middle name is a mash-up of Carlisle and Charlie, or, Carlie. Dear god, when did Bella hit her head on something hard?

So THEN, Edward turns Bella into a vampire, and I’m like, FINALLY, but it turns out that Bella is not only a vampire, but only the bestest vampire in the history of vampiring. Apparently the vampires are supposed to go through a one year “newborn” phase, where everything is BLOOOOOOOOD and there is no logic, only thirst, but Bella wakes up and she’s like, “Where’s my baby I want my baby and also why am I in this beautiful dress ALICE oh hey honey, let’s have sex now, you couldn’t possibly break me in two.”

Oh, and did I mention that Jacob imprints on the baby? Meaning that, at some point when Renesmee is no longer a baby but a full grown person (because she’s half-human, half-immortal, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS), Jacob and Renesmee are going to be a couple.

HA HA HA HA HA oh Jesus make it stop.

Then there’s this other coven, the Denali clan or whatever, and one of them sees Renesmee prancing about and immediately assumes that the Cullens have created a vampire baby, so she runs to the Volturi to tattle. But while Renesmee is a baby of vampires, she is not a human baby that was turned into a vampire, so the Cullens should be safe from the Evol Volturi. But they have to gather other vampires to act as witnesses, and since Renesmee is growing at, like, creepy speed (her first words after a week, reading poetry after a month, like, WTF), the other vampires can see proof that she is a different thing than a vampire baby, so they should hopefully be safe. And Renesmee also has a power: she can touch someone and show them her thoughts, which is how she shows everyone her grisly birth.

Charming.

And that’s totally where I lost interest. Seriously, it’s five hundred pages of Bella and Edward having sex then not having sex then being pregnant then Jacob turning into his own One Man Wolf Pack, then Bella giving birth and becoming the bestest vampire ever and then more sex between Bella and Edward and then … a month of visiting vampires, new talents, and talking, oh dear god so much talking.

And when the Volturi arrive, there isn’t even a fight. Lame.

Anyway. Everyone lives, nobody (that anyone would care about) dies*, and everyone lives happily ever after. The end. Thank fucking God.

*Except Irina. Poor Irina, the scapegoat. And what really makes that funny for me is that, in the movies, Irina is played by Maggie Grace, the girl who played Shannon Rutherford on Lost, which is also the sister of BOOOOOONE!, played by my favorite Ian Somerhalder, who now plays the ultimate character Damon Salvatore in that superior television program The Vampire Diaries. But really, I’m almost looking forward to Breaking Dawn II so I can see Shannon die again.

So here’s the part where I show you some quotes. I have to say that the majority of Post It’s were for the category I created called, “Edward is perfect and I am awful.” Because even as a vampire, Bella has problems with self-esteem.

This quote is, like, on page three. I distinctly remember uttering, “Good Lord,” and then restraining the urge to throw the 754-page book across the room.

… I just couldn’t reconcile a staid, respectable, dull concept like husband with my concept of Edward. It was like casting an archangel as an accountant… [6]

Let’s see, what else made me roll my eyes?

The rush was due to the fact that I was getting closed to nineteen every stinking day, while Edward stayed frozen in all his seventeen-year-old perfection, as he had for over ninety years. [16]

Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I was kissing a vampire. Not because he seemed ordinary or human – I could never for a second forget that I was holding someone more angel than man in my arms … [23]

Here, Bella forgets the Number One Rule of Weddings: No One Looks At the Groom Except the Bride:

I stared at the long counter, covered in all the paraphernalia of a beauty salon, and began to feel my sleepless night.
“Is this really necessary? I’m going to look plain next to him no matter what.” [44]

Even after she becomes a vampire, Edward is still Perfect and She is Still Awful:

The greater part of my senses and my mind were still focused on Edward’s face.

I had never seen it before this second.

How many times had I stared at Edward and marveled over his beauty? How many hours – days, weeks – of my life had I spent dreaming about what I then deemed to be perfection? I thought I’d known his face better than my own. I’d thought this was the one sure physical thing in my whole world: the flawlessness of Edward’s face.

I may as well have been blind. [390]

I could not answer immediately, lost as I was in the velvet folds of his voice. It was the most perfect symphony, a symphony in one instrument, an instrument more profound than any created by man … [391]

NO. NO NO NO. That cannot happen. There is NOTHING more beautiful than the Pastoral Symphony. Except maybe the Sleeping Beauty ballet. But COME ON. Robert Pattinson’s voice is AWFUL.

Some other categories of choice: Bella is Dumb, and also, Jacob Speaks the Truth:

“So why hasn’t Carlisle done anything?” I growled. “He’s a doctor, right? Get it out of her.”

He looked up then and answered me in a tired voice. Like he was explaining this to a kindergartener for the tenth time. “She won’t let us.”

It took a minute for the words to sink in. Jeez, she was running true to form. Of course, die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella. [177]

Even more examples of Jacob Speaking Truth (which is why Jacob’s my favorite, if I can have a favorite in this hell):

“I thought the whole point was that you wanted your vampire more than anything. And now you’re just giving him up? That doesn’t make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that so much, why did you marry a vampire?” [193]

“Why do you always have to love the wrong things, Bella?” [197]

And one rare instance where Bella Speaks the Truth:

I’d never done anything good enough to deserve a friend like Jacob. [60]

Now, let’s just take a moment and recognize that some things can be learned over time:

Behind the light, I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air … [387]

I DID NOT CHANGE THAT, that is an ACTUAL quote! YAY!

Renesmee, meanwhile, is a creepy little fucker:

“Renesmee is healthy and well,” he promised, a gleam I’d never seen before in his eyes. He said her name with an understated fervor. A reverence. The way devout people talked about their gods. [396]

See, and Bella’s not being ironic or creeped out about this. Devout people talking about their gods is not a creepy thing for her.

There’s also a category for “Seriously?! You guys are just messing with me now, right?”

“But he’s a smart, practical man. She thinks he’ll come up with his own explanation. She assumes he’ll get it wrong.” Edward snorted. “After all, we hardly adhere to vampire canon.” [301]

Vampire canon?! You guys acknowledge that there is a vampire canon?! Amazing!

And speaking of amazing,

“What an amazing creature she is,” Edward murmured, almost in agreement, as if Jacob’s comment was meant as a compliment. He was both dazzling and dazzled. [523]

Oy.

And speaking of vampire “canon,” here’s a tidbit that made me go all Barbara Walters on Herman Cain What?!:

Edward’s jaw clenched and unclenched, then he answered evenly, “They aren’t even werewolves. Aro can tell you all about it if you don’t believe me.”

Not werewolves? I shot a mystified look at Jacob. He lifted his huge shoulders and let them drop — a shrug. He didn’t know what Edward was talking about, either. [704]

No, really: you guys are messing with me, right?

I read the emotions as they scrolled across [Charlie's] face.

Shock. Disbelief. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Suspicion. More pain.

I bit my lip. It felt funny. [506]

COME ON. ALL KRISTEN STEWART CAN DO IS BITE HER LIP. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

And now, my favorite parts: The Crazy Random Happenstance References, which only make sense to me.

Here’s this one, from Jacob’s perspective (note: the italics are the voices of the members of his wolf-pack he can hear in his head. No, don’t ask):

They all saw the horror – Bella’s mottled stomach; her raspy voice: he’s strong, that’s all; the burning man in Edward’s face: watching her sicken and waste away … seeing it hurting her; Rosalie crouched over Bella’s limp body: Bella’s life means nothing to her–and for once, no one had anything to say.

Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.

!!!! [198]

See, in one of my favorite short-lived series, The Middleman, the Middleman and his apprentice Wendy Watson face an evil killer that is making something called !!!!, which is an energy drink that, when drunk, turns people into zombie trout. Again, don’t ask, but this made me laugh, at least.

This did notmake me laugh; instead, it made me cry for the withdrawal I am currently undergoing:

The dark one grinned when I came into view. “Well, well, Carlisle. You have been naughty, haven’t you?”

“She’s not what you think, Stefan.” [627]

STEFAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE CULLENS? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR BROTHER AND WHY ISN’T HE SHIRTLESS (Vampire Diaries comes back in one week holy shit I can’t fucking wait)

Here’s the quote:

Caius stood alone beside the blazing remains of Irina, the metal object in his hand still throwing a thick jet of flame into the pyre.

With a small clicking sound, the fire shooting from Caius’s hand disappeared. [708]

And here’s the reference:

And then “The Final Countdown” runs through my head and I have to run away laughing.

The final reference (da duh daa daaaa! da duh da da daaaaaa!) is actually a conversation my friends and I almost had one fateful New Year’s Eve night:

“So there are real werewolves?” I asked. “With the full moon and silver bullets and all that?”

Jacob snorted. “Real. Does that make me imaginary?” [745]

And I can’t remember where I’ve mentioned this instance before, but we were all talking about zombies versus vampires, and Jen at one point said “Oh, you’re talking about Resident Evil zombies, not real zombies.” And Emily whirls on her and says, “REAL zombies!? Did you just say REAL zombies?!”

Finally-finally, as if Stephenie Meyer knewI’d need something happy to take away from all of this, she leaves me with this quote: [Context: Bella has found that she can draw her shield or whatever into herself so Edward is finally able to hear her thoughts, or, whatever]:

“I can’t keep it up if I’m even the slightest bit distracted,” I warned him. [754]

Ahem.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

Grade for Breaking Dawn: Twilight Stars

Fiction: “Cause of Death” by Patricia Cornwell

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why? Oh, right: I’m a fucking masochist.

So because I have some weird, genetic disposition that requires me to read Patricia Cornwell whenever I fly on a plane, I brought the next book in the series with me to California. And it is worse than From Potter’s Field.

The scene opens with Kay Scarpetta housesitting for one of her deputy chiefs on New Year’s Eve. She receives a phone call about a dead person found at an old Navy Yard. But then the cops call later in the morning, and it’s the first time someone from the police called her, meaning the killer called her first or whatever. Turns out the dead guy is a reporter she knew and was friendly with (of course he was!), and he died while scuba diving.

It was on page 7 when I made my first dogear:

I hid a key only [her niece, Lucy] could find, then loaded medical bag and dive equipment into the trunk of my black Mercedes. [7]

DIVE EQUIPMENT?! Okay, FIRST OF ALL: who the fuck brings scuba equipment to a housesitting gig on NEW YEAR’S EVE in VIRGINIA. I might understand it if it was in the Bahamas or St. Thomas or somewhere, but VIRGINIA?! And SECOND OF ALL, since WHEN does Kay scuba-dive?! This is the seventh freaking book in the series, and this is the first time I’ve ever heard about her being able to scuba-dive. And though it doesn’t say so anywhere, I’m sure she does it perfectly.

She’s still such a snob. And lords it over everyone. For instance, she’s a superior cook:

I surveyed the kitchen, which was pitiful compared to the one I had at home. I did not seem to have forgotten anything yesterday when I had driven down to Virginia Beach to shop, although I would have to do without garlic press, pasta maker, food processor and microwave oven. I was seriously beginning to wonder if [Deputy Chief] Mant ever ate in or even stayed here. At least I had thought to bring my own cutlery and cookware, and as long as I had good knives and pots there wasn’t much I couldn’t manage. [4]

Oh, come on, Kay — we both know you’ve never used a microwave in your life.

I pulled [Lucy] over to the stove and lifted the lid from the pot. A delicious steam rose and I felt happy.

“I can’t believe you,” I said. “God bless you.”

“When you weren’t back by four I figured I’d better make the sauce or we weren’t going to be eating lasagne tonight.”

“It might need a little more red wine. And maybe more basil and a pinch of salt.” [53]

YOUR NIECE MADE LASAGNE SAUCE FOR YOU. BE NICE, KAY, JUST SAY ‘THANK YOU.’

And of course, God forbid she be an expert about just cooking.

“Do you always see indications in drownings?” he reasonably asked. “I thought drownings were notoriously difficult, explaining why expert witnesses from South Florida are often flown in to help with such cases.”

“I began my career in South Florida and am considered an expert witness in drownings,” I sharply said. [105]

But I can’t believe she didn’t take a moment to show her superiority in this tiny moment:

“Well, irregardless of what you call it, his orientation might somehow be important.” [39]

IRREGARDLESS is NOT A WORD. WHY DID YOU NOT SAY ANYTHING? In the middle of an autopsy, even? If I were you, Dr. Kay Scarpetta, as you insist on introducing yourself every damn time, I would have swung that Stryker Saw backwards towards his head yelling “IRREGARDLESS IS NOT A WORD YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.”

It’s a pet peeve, okay?

In addition to being annoyingly superior and kind of bitchy, Kay also has a bit of an Annie Oakley-type fetish, in that she must be able to do anything better than a man:

My legs trembled as I climbed, for I was not as strong as Jerod and Ki Soo, who moved in all their [scuba] gear as if it weighed the same as skin. But I got out of my BC and tank myself and did not ask for help. [26]

And, of course, there’s her All About Me Syndrome:

“Good God. All this happened because of my car. In a sense, because of me.” [207]

So, what happens in the book? Does it matter? Oh fine. The dead reporter turns out to have gotten himself involved with this crazy whack-a-doo religious cult called the New Zionists, who have ties to Moammar Qaddafi and Libya, who want plutonium to build an atom bomb.

Three things:
1. If this stupid book causes me to get searched by the FBI for mentioning Libya in the same breath as plutonium, I will send a nasty letter to Patricia Cornwell. I may want higher blog traffic, but that is for TOTALLY the wrong reason.

2. How does a book written in 1996 have a reference to something that’s almost going on today, but not quite? I mean, come on, how weird is that?

3. NOT THE LIBYANS AND PLUTONIUM MARTY GET IN THE DeLOREAN AND GO BACK IN TIME TO SAVE DOC BROWN

My final question is: why do I keep reading these damn books? Well, I guess I have to answer with another question: why did I read all those Twilight books (and still have Breaking Dawn in my to-read pile)? Partly masochism, yes, I’ll grant you that: I take innate pleasure in groaning at some of the shit Kay Scarpetta pulls. But also, a tiny bit of curiousity. And a smidgen of hope. Hope that the books will get better, the curiosity to see if they do, and the realization that they probably won’t, but at least I’ll feel better ranting about it later.

And also: I read these on planes because you aren’t allowed to throw books on planes.

Grade for Cause of Death: 1 star

Fiction: “Wideacre” by Philippa Gregory

I can’t believe I tried to read this again. Actually, wait, I take that back – I totally believe I tried to read this again. Because I? Am a masochist. Seriously, if there were a group for masochists, I’d be their leader. I would lead the masochists, and they would worship me, and they would worship me by giving me pain that I ask for, because that’s what I do – ask for pain. (Please don’t tell me if there is a group for masochists.)

I read Twilight twice. And then I continued and read New Moon and Eclipse. And when my stomach settles and things calm down and I can actually finish a freaking book again, I’ll most likely order Breaking Dawn from the library. So it really doesn’t surprise me that I attempted to read Wideacre again.

I read Wideacre the first time back in 2007, and finished it. I attempted to read the sequel, The Favored Child, that November, but couldn’t finish it. Wideacre is the first book in a trilogy, and the weird thing about me is that I couldn’t pick up another one of Philippa Gregory’s books until I felt that I had truly put the Wideacre series behind me. Which is why The Other Boleyn Girl has been sitting on my shelf for about three years.

So I’d been stuck when it came to Philippa Gregory. I really wanted to read The Other Boleyn Girl, but couldn’t, because I wanted to know how the Wideacre series ended. And so, I, the masochist, ordered Wideacre from the library, thinking that I could get through the entire series and call it good.

Fiction: “Eclipse” by Stephenie Meyer

I think I’m becoming immune to these “Mormon Vampires,” as I memorably termed them one day at work, to Terri’s infinite amusement. (Sidebar – my computer’s been down for three days, and it feels like I’ve forgotten how to type.) Because I – wait for it – kind of enjoyed Eclipse more than either of the previous books.

Fiction: “New Moon” by Stephenie Meyer

I … *sigh* I’ve determined that the Twilight series is like Grey’s Anatomy: I really fucking hate it, and yet I can’t help but continue to watch it, like the train wreck it has become. Of course, part of it is that I keep hoping that Katherine Heigl actually is leaving, and maybe the show will be a bit more enjoyable. But the Twilight series isn’t giving me even that smidgen of hope; in this show, the bitch is the narrator, not the annoying friend who makes poor sex decisions.

I return your attention to the second picture in this entry. Here is the final tally of Post-It Flags:

Purple (Bad werewolf/vampire information): 12
Yellow (Really bad writing/grammar mistakes): 12
Orange (Bella is bitchy): eleventy-million 10
Blue (Bella wants to kill herself so she can be a vampire and live forever with Edward): 9
Pink (OMG EDWARD IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD OMG): 8
Green (Bella does something stump-fucking stupid): 8

Hm. I honestly thought I’d have more Yellow and Orange tags. Oh well.

Fiction: “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer [part two]

So, my sister made a bad decision. She brought home an extra-large tote bag one day, with the books that I had lent her, along with the entire Twilight series. After our fun outing to watch the horror, the horror that was the Twilight movie, she tells me, “You need to read the rest. Oh my God, Alaina, they’re hilarious.” She included Twilight: Original Flavor in the mix, and I decided to re-read it, even though it has only been six months since I last threw it across the room.

Whereas last time I dissected the vampire lore that Ms. Meyer so blatantly ignored, this time, I want to focus on the other part of Twilight that really pisses me off: how Bella wants to subvert herself so as to stay with Edward.

And here’s where Missy made a bad decision in giving me these books: now, I have quotes to back myself up.

Rant: “Twilight”

I attended a piano recital last night for the daughter of a friend I work with. It’s the same daughter I’ve been lending the Buffy series to, and last night, I learned she was reading Twilight.

I think everyone who reads this is aware of my distaste – nay, even hatred – for the Twilight series.