Fiction: “Eclipse” by Stephenie Meyer

eclipseI think I’m becoming immune to these “Mormon Vampires,” as I memorably termed them one day at work, to Terri’s infinite amusement. (Sidebar – my computer’s been down for three days, and it feels like I’ve forgotten how to type.) Because I – wait for it – kind of enjoyed Eclipse more than either of the previous books.

Now, before y’all freak out and start worrying that I’m going to start professing my undying love for a teenaged vampire and go around yelling at people who DARE think that Edward isn’t the most romantic man in all of Western literature, hold it: I still hate these fricking books, I still hate Edward, and I still hate Bella. This is still getting a rating of Twilight Stars, folks; I haven’t completely lost my head.

Here’s how I described my enjoyment of this book to my roommate:
“Look, I’ve read Wuthering Heights three times. I don’t like it as much as Jane Eyre, but I enjoy it, and I’ll probably read it again. On a scale of one to ten, let’s call Wuthering Heights a six, Jane Eyre‘s a eight, and Lamb is a perfect ten. Twilight was a negative one, New Moon ranked negative five, and Eclipse was an even zero. I still hate it, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”

I am impressed that there were a whole two typos in the entire book, and it wasn’t as bad as when Ms. Meyer thought a moat was a dust particle. And again, I think I’ve become immune to how bitchy Bella is and how indecisive, whiny and selfish she is (although this book actually tries to deal with Bella’s selfishness).

First. Let’s discuss how this book could have been, like, three hundred pages shorter. Did I need the backstory on even the most unimportant of characters? Did I really need to know how Rosalie became a vampire? Answer: no. The entire chapter on the history of Jacob’s werewolf pack? The only reason that chapter was even there was so that in the final confrontation between Bella/Edward and the Evil!Vampires, Bella can create a parallel between herself and that Third Wife story. That was highly unnecessary foreshadowing.

Anyway. I’m too tired with this to go into so much depth. The highlights: Bella and Edward are still together, Edward won’t let Bella play with Jacob, because werewolves are vampires’ mortal enemies (also, he’s jealous). But then he does, because he only wants Bella to be happy, and if playing with her friend Jacob makes her happy, then she can play with Jacob. But then Jacob confesses his love for Bella, and kisses her against her will, and Bella breaks her knuckle punching him in the face. Oh, and there’s an army of newborn vampires running rampant in Seattle, and then it takes them four hundred pages to realize it’s Evil Victoria from the last book. So the vampires and the werewolves have a truce and band together to protect their freesia-scented princess, Bella, who in the meantime realizes that yes, she does indeed love Jacob, but only as a friend, because it’s Edward that she wants to have mad sex with, but he won’t until she’s married, but she wants to have sex before becoming a vampire, but he won’t vamp her until she marries her, but she won’t marry him unless she has sex first, and DUDES. SERIOUSLY. MORMON FUCKING VAMPIRES.

What I really want to know is where all that drama about choosing Jacob or Edward came from. I have now read all three books where there could have been a choice, and nowhere in any of those books did she actually choose. Even when she admitted that she ‘loved’ Jacob, she pretty much follows it up with a ‘but not as much as I love my sparkly vampire, Edward.’

That’s about it. I will, eventually, read Breaking Dawn, and then this streak of masochism will be done.

Except I’m totally currently reading Gone With the Wind. Just sayin’.

And now, the best video ever: Buffy vs. Edward. So, so awesome.

Grade for Eclipse: Twilight stars.

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