Okay, so; true to form, I’m running behind. As my mother always says when she tells the tale of my birth: “She was born two weeks late, and she’s still catching up.”* So I’m not sure about Jen’s goal, but as for me? I’m going to try and get caught up to where we should have been last Saturday (the next 100 pages), rather than try and read two hundred pages between now and then. Because I can say from experience – and the fact that it’s almost 3 and I haven’t had my lunch break yet today – that that ain’t happening.
*The Tale of Alaina’s Birth is widely known in my family, as I am the first-born grandchild of House St. Onge. (Oh crap – what would our words be?) (I do know I don’t want to know the words of House Patterson.) I was born on a freak blizzard in late March (Spring was coming, but then Winter struck back with a vengeance), the obstetrician was on vacation, I was two weeks past my due date, the labor of me made my mother miss the end of The Thorn Birds because her hospital room didn’t have a television … it was a scene, basically.
Jen finished before me, and she focused on the characters and who she loved, who she liked, and the other assholes that populate Westeros. I am going to do almost the same thing, only I’m going to add in a dash of plot as well.
So basically, we’ve only met two families: House Stark of Winterfell, and the Baratheons-slash-Lannisters from King’s Landing.
So we meet Ned and his two sons, Bran and Jon Snow, when they go to see an execution. Hooray, that’s cheery! And on the way home to Winterfell, Bran and Jon Snow find some direwolves, and apparently it’s a bad omen, but because Jon really really wants a pet, he convinces Ned that since there are six puppies and they match the genders of Ned’s children exactly, we should totally take them home, I mean, can we Dad? Can we can we can we? Ned relents, because Jon is just ever so convincing, and Jon ends up with the albino dog because his name is Jon Snow and snow is white and also he’s a bastard and the albino dog was separate from the rest of the dogs and it just makes sense.
Ned’s wife, Catelyn, informs Ned that her brother-in-law, John Arryn, has died, and to pay their respects, King Robert Baratheon and his family are journeying to Winterfell. Ned feels that something’s up wit dat, because who travels North when Winter is coming?
When the Baratheons arrive – including Queen Cersei, her brothers Jamie and Tyrion Lannister, and her children, Joffrey, Tommen, and the Other One – Robert and Ned go down to the crypt to see their dead loved ones and Robert wants Ned to be the Hand of the King, and I guess that means he wants Ned to be his Royal Advisor, and it sounds like it’s going to be a happier version of this
but really, we all know Ned’s going to end up like this
(Ned’s the not-quite-dead llama in this picture.)
So Ned reluctantly agrees to be the new Hand of the King (and I’m stuck wondering what else that entails besides advising – like, is grooming involved? OMG WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE HAND OF THE KING CLAPPING) but he tells Catelyn that he’s taking the kids with him to King’s Landing. Like, she gets to keep Jon Snow, who she hates (because he’s Ned’s bastard and he makes her feel inferior or something just by existing) and Rickon (who’s only a baby). Oh, but Jon Snow’s going to go be a member of the Night’s Watch, which Watches the Wall, so really, it’s going to be Catelyn and Rickon and nobody else.
Meanwhile, the next day, Bran is climbing the castle because it’s his favorite hobby. Bran loves to climb. He’s a climber. Two pages and countless paragraphs about how much Bran loves climbing, and how everyone in the castle try to stop him from climbing, but he’s so good at climbing and climbing is his favorite.
Clever GOT Handle (@Patterlaney) April 17, 2014
So when Bran gets to one of the highest towers, he overhears two people talking, a man and a woman. And I can’t remember exactly what they were talking about, but they were being sneaky and traitorous. And then they start having sex, but Bran doesn’t know what’s going on, because he’s seven years old. He peeks in and sees the two people wrestling naked (his words), and then he realizes it’s the Queen and her brother!
(So Cersei and Jamie Lannister … making ‘twincest’ a thing before the Winchester brothers on Supernatural.)
Until Cersei sees Bran spying on them, and Jamie pulls Bran into the window, but then when they realize the kid may have heard some of their treacherous, treacherous plot, well … Jamie pushes him out a window.
TO ILLUSTRATE what that looks like, here’s Paul Rudd:
(in some circles, that is known as a Rudd Roll.)
This brings us to
We’ve already met Cersei, the queen, and her brother-slash-lover, Jamie. Then there’s Joffrey, her son, and her brother, Tyrion. Tyrion is a dwarf. Tyrion is the man.
No, I’m serious. First, just watch that .gif up there. Over and over and over again. It feels so good. (The only other .gif I could watch over and over again with the same level of satisfaction is the one where Pete falls down the stairs on Mad Men. It’s brilliant, and it gives my soul joy.) Then there’s the fact that Tyrion is smarter than all y’all in the court (although I would pay cash money to see Tyrion go up against my forever favorite, Veronica Mars – I dare say Tyrion might be smarter than her). PLUS, in the show he’s played by Peter Dinklage, and he will always be a favorite of mine.
But Tyrion suspects Jamie and Cersei had something to do with Bran falling, and pretty much tells them to their faces over a nice breakfast full of bacon (ANOTHER REASON WHY I LOVE TYRION).
And I think that catches up with everyone except …
Two siblings – Daenerys and Viserys – have been banished from Westeros because Robert Baratheon – Cersei’s husband – killed their father and took over the throne. Viserys hungers to take the throne back – to the point where he sells his 13-year-old sister into matrimony to a khal, which as best as I can figure, is like a marauding gypsy or something.
Anyway, Viserys is an impatient little bitch:
Viserys is all "But I want to be king NOW," & his aids are all "slow your roll kid, remember what happened to Veruca in that candy factory?"—
Clever GOT Handle (@Patterlaney) April 19, 2014
Clever GOT Handle (@Patterlaney) April 19, 2014
I apologize for not being able to draw a parallel between the Targaryen siblings and some other siblings in pop culture; maybe once the Mason/Margot Verger storyline takes off on Hannibal. But in essence, Viserys is the worst and Dany is afraid to disappoint anyone, but at least she got some dragon eggs out of the deal.
OH AND ONE MORE THING:
Jon Snow and Arya are the cutest. There. I said it.
So … that was my first 100 pages. I look forward to learning how many more of my favorite characters are going to die.
just please not Tyrion he’s my forever favorite in this book so far