2016 Recap

Hey, remember when I said this last year?:

So I’m doing this during the Oscars, which is probably going to end up a horrible decision. Another horrible decision? I’m not drinking. [Note from the future: I started drinking.]

I brought up the 2014 recap for last year (because I can never remember how to format these dang things), and that was posted on January 28. And my first sentence was “Well, this is the latest I’ve ever done my year-end recap.”

So my main goal for 2016 is to make sure I don’t post my 2016 recap in March 2017. I mean, seriously, Alaina, what the fuck?

HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA! HAAAAAAAA!

*phew* Okay, now that that’s out of the way …

So yeah. Yeah. 2016 lasted an extra eight months, because I apparently didn’t want to let the worst year on record go. (Also, I got super busy, you guys. A lot of TV was binged, and things were crocheted for people. And other stuff and also, things.)

On the one hand, I didn’t post my 2016 recap in March 2017. On the other … seriously, Alaina, what the fuck?

Without further ado, my 2016 recap, and let us never speak of that horrid year again. Unless we all die in the cleansing thermonuclear fire that is most likely going to come and we need to be able to look back at a year fondly.

In 2016, I read a total of 32 books – the same amount of books I had read in 2015, so – at least I didn’t stop reading? Of those 32 titles, 21 were ones that I had never read before, handily marked with an asterisk. That’s a pretty good ratio, if I do say so myself.

You know the drill – click the link to go back to the review, and if you’re viewing this on a device that allows you to hover over a link (like, a computer or laptop – not a phone), I try to be funny in coding.

January
1. The Masque of the Black Tulip by Lauren Willig
2. The Deception of the Emerald Ring by Lauren Willig
3. The Killing Dance by Laurell K. Hamilton*
4. Room by Emma Donoghue*
5. The Big Short by Michael Lewis*

February
6. The Martian by Andy Weir*
7. Brooklyn by Colm Toibin*
8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
9. Live and Let Die by Ian Fleming

March
10. Veronika Decides to Die by Paolo Coehlo*
11. The Apprentice by Tess Gerritsen*
12. Just Like Heaven by Julia Quinn*

April
13. The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood*

May
No books read, because my sister was getting married and I was fucking busy.

June
14. What a Pirate Desires by Michelle Beattie*
15. Sex Criminals: Volume One by Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky*
16. Bonk by Mary Roach*

July
17. The Rogue Not Taken by Sarah MacLean*
18. The Witches by Stacy Schiff*
19. Seduction in Death by J.D. Robb*

August
20. The Maze by Catherine Coulter
21. Wicked Intentions by Elizabeth Hoyt*
22. Don’t Get Too Comfortable by David Rakoff

September
23. Mistress of My Fate by Hallie Rubenhold*

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

Okay, so, I was re-reading the above review to try and come up with a funny line to put in the html code, and it’s no wonder I couldn’t remember what the hell that book was about – it was so boring even when I reviewed it, that I spent the majority of the review subtweeting a friend of mine who doesn’t have internet:

DON’T FUCKING TELL ME THE CAR HAS BEEN TOWED TO THE DEALER. NO DEALER WILL TOW A CAR TO THE DEALERSHIP FOR DIAGNOSIS OF THE ISSUE AND THEN TOW THE VEHICLE BACK TO THE PARKING GARAGE FROM WHENCE IT CAME. AND NOT ONLY THE GARAGE, BUT THE EXACT FUCKING SPOT THE CAR WAS IN FOUR MONTHS AGO. IT. HAS. NOT. MOVED.

For context: This review was posted April 12, 2017. The last day I knew the vehicle in question was driven was December 13, 2016. I saw Passengers with the friend in question on January 3, as proven by this tweet that I just advanced!searched for:

So SOMETIME between December 13, 2016 and January 3, 2017, the vehicle in question broke down.

math lady

The median date would be December 24, 2016. MERRY CHRISTMAS, PAL!

Tonight, in the interest of blog integrity (and yeah, I know that’s an oxymoron, idgaf), I drove to the next town up and just … just peeked in the garage.

IT’S. STILL. FUCKING. THERE.

lack of surprise

THIS CAR. HAS BEEN PARKED. IN THE SAME. GODDAMNED. SPOT. FOR EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS. And before you try to tell me again, Friend, that the car has been towed to the dealer/mechanic a few times to try and get fixed before being traded in —

more lies.gif

“The tire can be inflated and driven on, it just deflates really quickly.” OH REALLY? YOU DRIVE ON THAT BUSTED-ASS RIM half a mile to a gas station to put air in it, and then DRIVE FOR A DAY? REALLY? Then you bring it back to the PUBLIC PARKING GARAGE – not your apartment, but a PUBLIC PARKING GARAGE – and park it in the EXACT SAME SPOT THAT IT WAS IN BACK ON JANUARY 3? Really?! Do you also keep a spare tub of ABANDONED VEHICLE DUST that you spread OVER the car before LOCKING IT and then WALKING BACK TO YOUR APARTMENT?? IS THAT WHAT YOU DO? IS THAT HOW YOU DRIVE IT AROUND? REALLY?!

really with seth & amy.gif

REALLY. WHAT THE FUCK. You have until October 30, pal. And let me warn you – in public, on the internet – that if that car is STILL IN ITS PARKING SPOT on October 30, I am going to PLASTER THE FUCK out of it in Jerry Maguire VHS tapes. I will buy Jerry Maguire posters and just … wallpaper it.

I AM NOT KIDDING, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

Okay. *phew* I got that out of my system. Thank you. And now, back to the review links.

24. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle
25. Killing Orders by Sara Paretsky*

October
26. The Pirate Bride by Shannon Drake*

November
27. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell
28. Alanna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce
29. Moneyball by Michael Lewis

December
30. Publish & Perish by James Hynes
31. A Rake’s Vow by Stephanie Laurens*
32. The Duchess War by Courtney Milan*

So there you have it. 2016, without the political terror and celebrity deaths. I promise to update everyone with regards to the abandoned vehicle, and yes, I have bookmarked “jerry maguire posters” on Amazon.

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