The Game of Thrones Project: The Second 100 Pages

Hey, remember when Jen and I said we were going to read a hundred pages a week?  This is us now:

Sarcastic-Hahaha-No-Reaction-Gif

 

So at last gasp, I believe Jen and I are at least caught up to the same chunk of 100 pages?  I know she’s read a bit ahead of me, but as I’ve told her: that’s par for the course where people doing projects with me are concerned.

Let’s get right to it, shall we?  Pretty much this entire chunk of pages was devoted to

winter is coming

(PS – this is on a T-shirt at Teefury right now if you’re interested!)

So the Starks ended up spreading far and wide in these chapters: Jon Snow (the bastard) went north to The Wall with his Uncle Benjen; Catelyn and Robb stayed home at Winterfell to care for Rickon and poor crippled Bran; and Ned took Arya and Sansa down to King’s Landing with the Lannisters.

Catelyn attempts to manage Winterfell while tending to Bran:

[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/460967993527136256 align=’center’]

And while she’s trying to figure out numbers and crap, the library gets set on fire!  Robb runs out to stop it, and then this random assassin comes in and tries to kill Bran!  Catelyn manages to give him pause by stopping the dagger with her hand (a cutting board would work better I’M JUST SAYING) but then the real hero of the night is Bran’s direwolf, who eats the assassin.  Robb finally sedates his mother, who hadn’t slept since Bran fell, and when she wakes up four days later, she decides that she’s going to leave Robb to rule Winterfell and she’s going to head to King’s Landing to let Ned know that someone tried to kill their son.

Meanwhile, Ned and the girls are still traveling to King’s Landing.  Sansa is trying so hard to be the perfect little betrothed princess that it makes me want to punch her.  She detests Arya’s tomboy tendencies, and when she and Joffrey take a picnic lunch on the moors or whatever and come across Arya and the butcher’s boy sparring, Joffrey’s asshole tendencies show up for the first time in front of Sansa and he challenges them to a duel.  Arya’s direwolf, whose name escapes me now, charges Joffrey and bites his arm.  Also in this chapter: we meet another one of the Baratheon brothers, and this one is Renly.  Also in this chapter: Renly sent in his application to be a member of Alaina’s Harem of Pretend Boyfriends.

The Starks and Co. stop for the night somewhere along the way (the place escapes me) and Ned can’t even dismount and take a nap before he’s called in front of King Robert and Queen Cersei, all because Joffrey got bit by a dog.  The whole thing is super childish, and Joffrey wants Arya beheaded for siccing her direwolf on him, but Sansa steps forward and describes the situation, and finally Robert is bored and wants to go drink so he says that neither Joffrey nor Arya are at fault because kids will be kids.  But then Cersei reveals that her hair is actually two colors because she wants to make a pelt out of Arya’s puppy for it daring to even touch her precious golden little shit.  Luckily for Arya’s direwolf, the dog knew enough to escape the fuck out of that company.  Bad news for Lady, Sansa’s direwolf, however, because Cersei is clearly a word I never say because of reasons.  WHO KILLS AN INNOCENT PUPPY FOR NO GOOD REASON

And who has to put the dog down?  Ned.  Because of course he does.

Also in that chapter: Renly’s application for Pretend Boyfriend gets moved to the top of the pile with this burn notice to Joffrey:

[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/468592013689237504 align=’center’]

While Catelyn is on a boat to King’s Landing and Robb is doing fuckall, Bran wakes up after a weird dream with a crow!  Which, when I read Jen’s tweets, I thought it was actually a dream cow.  I kind of want a Dream Cow to be a thing.

[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/461198384909811712 align=’center’]

And he finally names his direwolf: Summer.

Then we meet up with Catelyn, who has arrived in King’s Landing and meets up with her childhood stalker, Littlefinger!  His real name is Petyr something-or-other, but since we all know him as Littlefinger, that’s what I’m going to stick with.  After some skulking around King’s Landing and some weird lusty vibes from Littlefinger (he’s so icky, you guys – I get that he loves Catelyn, but he’s soooo icky), he identifies the dagger as belonging to Tyrion Lannister, who won it off of him in a tournament.

[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/469627084739194880 align=’center’]

Ned et. al. FINALLY show up in King’s Landing, and he doesn’t even get to unhorse himself before he’s pulled into a meeting with the King’s Advisers.  Renly Baratheon is there, and he insults Littlefinger to his face.  Welcome to the Harem, Renly Baratheon.

King Robert wants to welcome Ned as the new hand with a tournament.  The guys start discussing who they’re going to borrow money from, and then Ned’s like, wait: the kingdom’s broke?  And everyone’s all, yeah, bro, what’d you think?  Have you seen Bob’s tab at all the taverns?  Ned is too tired to deal with this shit, and Littlefinger offers to take him to his room.  Except because Littlefinger’s a shit, he makes Ned climb down the side of the castle for what appears to be no reason other than his own shittiness, but really it’s because Littlefinger’s leading Ned to meet up with Catelyn.

When Catelyn tells Ned about Bran’s assassination attempt, Ned gets worried, then sends her back there with messages for people to prepare for battle or something.

I think that just leaves Jon Snow and Tyrion to discuss.  So Tyrion accompanies Jon Snow to the Wall because he wants to see what a Wall looks like up close, I guess.  Tyrion takes a liking to Jon Snow, but no one else does.  You know how, in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, how no one wanted to play with Rudolph because he’s different?  Well, training with Jon Snow is like training with Rudolph, in that no one wanted to train with Jon Snow not because he’s different from everyone else, but because he’s an asshole.

As Tyrion gently points out to him after everyone starts calling him “Lord Snow” (used to laugh and call him names), the other boys who are training to be members of the Night’s Watch were not nearly as well-schooled or as well-cared for as Jon, so for Jon to show everyone how good he is at fighting people and look at how quick he is with his broadsword and he’s going to fight to win every damn time instead of teaching you how to beat him, well, basically it’s a big dick move.

In not-so-gentle terms, the armorer pretty much said the same thing, only kind of like this:

zoidberg

Also, Ser Alliser Thorne (? – not sure of last name at this juncture) really doesn’t like Jon Snow.  At all.  Or Tyrion.  And when Tyrion just makes fun of him to his face, all I can think of is that if Theon Greyjoy is the Pete Campbell of Game of Thrones, then Ser Alliser Thorne must be the Harry Crane of Game of Thrones.  Think about it.  You know it to be true in your hearts.

Before returning to King’s Landing, Tyrion tells Jon he’ll be stopping in Winterfell and can take messages back to the Starks,  But Jon sucks at messages, so Tyrion simply shakes his hand and returns to his room.

So in the next hundred pages, Tyrion’s going to return to Winterfell and be accused of the assassination attempt of Bran & Catelyn; I’m sure that Littlefinger will get more icky; and there had better be some Daenerys because all this Ned stuff’s giving me a headache.  (PUNS AND SPOILER ALERT)

The Game of Thrones Project: The First 100 Pages

Okay, so; true to form, I’m running behind.  As my mother always says when she tells the tale of my birth: “She was born two weeks late, and she’s still catching up.”*  So I’m not sure about Jen’s goal, but as for me? I’m going to try and get caught up to where we should have been last Saturday (the next 100 pages), rather than try and read two hundred pages between now and then.  Because I can say from experience – and the fact that it’s almost 3 and I haven’t had my lunch break yet today – that that ain’t happening.

*The Tale of Alaina’s Birth is widely known in my family, as I am the first-born grandchild of House St. Onge.  (Oh crap – what would our words be?)  (I do know I don’t want to know the words of House Patterson.)  I was born on a freak blizzard in late March (Spring was coming, but then Winter struck back with a vengeance), the obstetrician was on vacation, I was two weeks past my due date, the labor of me made my mother miss the end of The Thorn Birds because her hospital room didn’t have a television … it was a scene, basically.

Jen finished before me, and she focused on the characters and who she loved, who she liked, and the other assholes that populate Westeros.  I am going to do almost the same thing, only I’m going to add in a dash of plot as well.

So basically, we’ve only met two families: House Stark of Winterfell, and the Baratheons-slash-Lannisters from King’s Landing.

THE STARKS

This is my head!canon and NO ONE CAN MAKE ME CHANGE IT.

So we meet Ned and his two sons, Bran and Jon Snow, when they go to see an execution.  Hooray, that’s cheery!  And on the way home to Winterfell, Bran and Jon Snow find some direwolves, and apparently it’s a bad omen, but because Jon really really wants a pet, he convinces Ned that since there are six puppies and they match the genders of Ned’s children exactly, we should totally take them home, I mean, can we Dad?  Can we can we can we?  Ned relents, because Jon is just ever so convincing, and Jon ends up with the albino dog because his name is Jon Snow and snow is white and also he’s a bastard and the albino dog was separate from the rest of the dogs and it just makes sense.

Ned’s wife, Catelyn, informs Ned that her brother-in-law, John Arryn, has died, and to pay their respects, King Robert Baratheon and his family are journeying to Winterfell.  Ned feels that something’s up wit dat, because who travels North when Winter is coming?

When the Baratheons arrive – including Queen Cersei, her brothers Jamie and Tyrion Lannister, and her children, Joffrey, Tommen, and the Other One – Robert and Ned go down to the crypt to see their dead loved ones and Robert wants Ned to be the Hand of the King, and I guess that means he wants Ned to be his Royal Advisor, and it sounds like it’s going to be a happier version of this

nov25newgroove7

but really, we all know Ned’s going to end up like this

yzmajob1

(Ned’s the not-quite-dead llama in this picture.)

So Ned reluctantly agrees to be the new Hand of the King (and I’m stuck wondering what else that entails besides advising – like, is grooming involved?  OMG WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE HAND OF THE KING CLAPPING) but he tells Catelyn that he’s taking the kids with him to King’s Landing.  Like, she gets to keep Jon Snow, who she hates (because he’s Ned’s bastard and he makes her feel inferior or something just by existing) and Rickon (who’s only a baby).  Oh, but Jon Snow’s going to go be a member of the Night’s Watch, which Watches the Wall, so really, it’s going to be Catelyn and Rickon and nobody else.

Meanwhile, the next day, Bran is climbing the castle because it’s his favorite hobby.  Bran loves to climb.  He’s a climber.  Two pages and countless paragraphs about how much Bran loves climbing, and how everyone in the castle try to stop him from climbing, but he’s so good at climbing and climbing is his favorite.

So when Bran gets to one of the highest towers, he overhears two people talking, a man and a woman.  And I can’t remember exactly what they were talking about, but they were being sneaky and traitorous.  And then they start having sex, but Bran doesn’t know what’s going on, because he’s seven years old.  He peeks in and sees the two people wrestling naked (his words), and then he realizes it’s the Queen and her brother!

(So Cersei and Jamie Lannister … making ‘twincest’ a thing before the Winchester brothers on Supernatural.)

Until Cersei sees Bran spying on them, and Jamie pulls Bran into the window, but then when they realize the kid may have heard some of their treacherous, treacherous plot, well … Jamie pushes him out a window.

TO ILLUSTRATE what that looks like, here’s Paul Rudd:

(in some circles, that is known as a Rudd Roll.)

This brings us to

THE LANNISTERS

joffrey gif

We’ve already met Cersei, the queen, and her brother-slash-lover, Jamie.  Then there’s Joffrey, her son, and her brother, Tyrion.  Tyrion is a dwarf.  Tyrion is the man.

No, I’m serious.  First, just watch that .gif up there.  Over and over and over again.  It feels so good.  (The only other .gif I could watch over and over again with the same level of satisfaction is the one where Pete falls down the stairs on Mad Men.  It’s brilliant, and it gives my soul joy.)  Then there’s the fact that Tyrion is smarter than all y’all in the court (although I would pay cash money to see Tyrion go up against my forever favorite, Veronica Mars – I dare say Tyrion might be smarter than her).  PLUS, in the show he’s played by Peter Dinklage, and he will always be a favorite of mine.

But Tyrion suspects Jamie and Cersei had something to do with Bran falling, and pretty much tells them to their faces over a nice breakfast full of bacon (ANOTHER REASON WHY I LOVE TYRION).

And I think that catches up with everyone except …

THE TARGARYENS

Two siblings – Daenerys and Viserys – have been banished from Westeros because Robert Baratheon – Cersei’s husband – killed their father and took over the throne.  Viserys hungers to take the throne back – to the point where he sells his 13-year-old sister into matrimony to a khal, which as best as I can figure, is like a marauding gypsy or something.

Anyway, Viserys is an impatient little bitch:

I apologize for not being able to draw a parallel between the Targaryen siblings and some other siblings in pop culture; maybe once the Mason/Margot Verger storyline takes off on Hannibal.  But in essence, Viserys is the worst and Dany is afraid to disappoint anyone, but at least she got some dragon eggs out of the deal.

OH AND ONE MORE THING:

Jon Snow and Arya are the cutest.  There.  I said it.

So … that was my first 100 pages.  I look forward to learning how many more of my favorite characters are going to die.

just please not Tyrion he’s my forever favorite in this book so far

The Game of Thrones Project

So as if we don’t have enough to do right now, my friend Jennifer Aqualaney — you remember her; the one with the novel you can buy, now conveniently available on Amazon for your Kindle device? — and I are finally banding together to read Game of Thrones.

A Game ... of Thrones.

We’d been talking about this for a while now — I mean, the two of us; it’s not like we’ve been posting to our respective blogs saying THIS IS A THING WE’RE GOING TO DO.  Well, until now.  I mean, I’m posting to my blog; I’m not sure if Jen’s going to post to her blog or not.  We actually didn’t talk about it that much.

ANYWAY.  Here’s the process we’ve got lined up:

– We’re going to read 100 pages a week.  And here’s how we came to that:

Jen: I don’t really want to be reading this for twelve years.
Me: Me neither.  How many chapters does your Kindle say the book has?  My paperback just has the characters’ names at the beginning of the chapter.
Jen: Uh … 72.
Me: So even if we do two chapters a week, that’s still …. eight months.
Jen: Fuck that!  How many actual pages are there?
Me: 800ish?
Jen: I could do 100 pages a week.  I mean, I can read on the train.
Me: Yeah, and I could bang it out on Saturday morning or even … that’s like, what — two chapters a day?  Ish?
Jen: Yeah, and we would just tweet as we go.
Me: Awesome!  So, when are you going to give me the password for our twitter?

If you’re on the Twitter, you can follow the both of us at @Patterlaney.  We’re currently called “Clever GoT Handle,” because we couldn’t think of a clever GoT handle at two in the morning.  That name is subject to change at any time.

Throughout the week, Jen and I will both tweet sporadically our thoughts, snarky comments, and suppositions about what’s going on in the first Game of Thrones book.  Then, over the weekend (when we each have slightly more time available to us), we’ll post a summary of the 100 pages we read so people who don’t have the Twitter can follow along too on our blogs.  I hope you know my blog address; here’s hers.  (And I’ll link to hers when she’s done, and vice versa.) (EDIT: Jen updated with her take on things! Check it out!)

And look, if you are obsessed with Game of Thrones, please please please have a sense of humor.  We are two noobs that are just making this up as we go.  We hope you enjoy.

Before I go (back to work, dammit), here’s a taste of the sweet, sweet Twitter gold you may find:

See?  Sweet, sweet Twitter gold.  (with the occasional assist from our Friend Sarah, who might also come to be known as our Resident Game of Thrones expert.)