Hey, remember when Jen and I said we were going to read a hundred pages a week? This is us now:
So at last gasp, I believe Jen and I are at least caught up to the same chunk of 100 pages? I know she’s read a bit ahead of me, but as I’ve told her: that’s par for the course where people doing projects with me are concerned.
Let’s get right to it, shall we? Pretty much this entire chunk of pages was devoted to
(PS – this is on a T-shirt at Teefury right now if you’re interested!)
So the Starks ended up spreading far and wide in these chapters: Jon Snow (the bastard) went north to The Wall with his Uncle Benjen; Catelyn and Robb stayed home at Winterfell to care for Rickon and poor crippled Bran; and Ned took Arya and Sansa down to King’s Landing with the Lannisters.
Catelyn attempts to manage Winterfell while tending to Bran:[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/460967993527136256 align=’center’]
And while she’s trying to figure out numbers and crap, the library gets set on fire! Robb runs out to stop it, and then this random assassin comes in and tries to kill Bran! Catelyn manages to give him pause by stopping the dagger with her hand (a cutting board would work better I’M JUST SAYING) but then the real hero of the night is Bran’s direwolf, who eats the assassin. Robb finally sedates his mother, who hadn’t slept since Bran fell, and when she wakes up four days later, she decides that she’s going to leave Robb to rule Winterfell and she’s going to head to King’s Landing to let Ned know that someone tried to kill their son.
Meanwhile, Ned and the girls are still traveling to King’s Landing. Sansa is trying so hard to be the perfect little betrothed princess that it makes me want to punch her. She detests Arya’s tomboy tendencies, and when she and Joffrey take a picnic lunch on the moors or whatever and come across Arya and the butcher’s boy sparring, Joffrey’s asshole tendencies show up for the first time in front of Sansa and he challenges them to a duel. Arya’s direwolf, whose name escapes me now, charges Joffrey and bites his arm. Also in this chapter: we meet another one of the Baratheon brothers, and this one is Renly. Also in this chapter: Renly sent in his application to be a member of Alaina’s Harem of Pretend Boyfriends.
The Starks and Co. stop for the night somewhere along the way (the place escapes me) and Ned can’t even dismount and take a nap before he’s called in front of King Robert and Queen Cersei, all because Joffrey got bit by a dog. The whole thing is super childish, and Joffrey wants Arya beheaded for siccing her direwolf on him, but Sansa steps forward and describes the situation, and finally Robert is bored and wants to go drink so he says that neither Joffrey nor Arya are at fault because kids will be kids. But then Cersei reveals that her hair is actually two colors because she wants to make a pelt out of Arya’s puppy for it daring to even touch her precious golden little shit. Luckily for Arya’s direwolf, the dog knew enough to escape the fuck out of that company. Bad news for Lady, Sansa’s direwolf, however, because Cersei is clearly a word I never say because of reasons. WHO KILLS AN INNOCENT PUPPY FOR NO GOOD REASON
And who has to put the dog down? Ned. Because of course he does.
Also in that chapter: Renly’s application for Pretend Boyfriend gets moved to the top of the pile with this burn notice to Joffrey:[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/468592013689237504 align=’center’]
While Catelyn is on a boat to King’s Landing and Robb is doing fuckall, Bran wakes up after a weird dream with a crow! Which, when I read Jen’s tweets, I thought it was actually a dream cow. I kind of want a Dream Cow to be a thing.[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/461198384909811712 align=’center’]
And he finally names his direwolf: Summer.
Then we meet up with Catelyn, who has arrived in King’s Landing and meets up with her childhood stalker, Littlefinger! His real name is Petyr something-or-other, but since we all know him as Littlefinger, that’s what I’m going to stick with. After some skulking around King’s Landing and some weird lusty vibes from Littlefinger (he’s so icky, you guys – I get that he loves Catelyn, but he’s soooo icky), he identifies the dagger as belonging to Tyrion Lannister, who won it off of him in a tournament.[tweet https://twitter.com/Patterlaney/status/469627084739194880 align=’center’]
Ned et. al. FINALLY show up in King’s Landing, and he doesn’t even get to unhorse himself before he’s pulled into a meeting with the King’s Advisers. Renly Baratheon is there, and he insults Littlefinger to his face. Welcome to the Harem, Renly Baratheon.
King Robert wants to welcome Ned as the new hand with a tournament. The guys start discussing who they’re going to borrow money from, and then Ned’s like, wait: the kingdom’s broke? And everyone’s all, yeah, bro, what’d you think? Have you seen Bob’s tab at all the taverns? Ned is too tired to deal with this shit, and Littlefinger offers to take him to his room. Except because Littlefinger’s a shit, he makes Ned climb down the side of the castle for what appears to be no reason other than his own shittiness, but really it’s because Littlefinger’s leading Ned to meet up with Catelyn.
When Catelyn tells Ned about Bran’s assassination attempt, Ned gets worried, then sends her back there with messages for people to prepare for battle or something.
I think that just leaves Jon Snow and Tyrion to discuss. So Tyrion accompanies Jon Snow to the Wall because he wants to see what a Wall looks like up close, I guess. Tyrion takes a liking to Jon Snow, but no one else does. You know how, in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, how no one wanted to play with Rudolph because he’s different? Well, training with Jon Snow is like training with Rudolph, in that no one wanted to train with Jon Snow not because he’s different from everyone else, but because he’s an asshole.
As Tyrion gently points out to him after everyone starts calling him “Lord Snow” (used to laugh and call him names), the other boys who are training to be members of the Night’s Watch were not nearly as well-schooled or as well-cared for as Jon, so for Jon to show everyone how good he is at fighting people and look at how quick he is with his broadsword and he’s going to fight to win every damn time instead of teaching you how to beat him, well, basically it’s a big dick move.
In not-so-gentle terms, the armorer pretty much said the same thing, only kind of like this:
Also, Ser Alliser Thorne (? – not sure of last name at this juncture) really doesn’t like Jon Snow. At all. Or Tyrion. And when Tyrion just makes fun of him to his face, all I can think of is that if Theon Greyjoy is the Pete Campbell of Game of Thrones, then Ser Alliser Thorne must be the Harry Crane of Game of Thrones. Think about it. You know it to be true in your hearts.
Before returning to King’s Landing, Tyrion tells Jon he’ll be stopping in Winterfell and can take messages back to the Starks, But Jon sucks at messages, so Tyrion simply shakes his hand and returns to his room.
So in the next hundred pages, Tyrion’s going to return to Winterfell and be accused of the assassination attempt of Bran & Catelyn; I’m sure that Littlefinger will get more icky; and there had better be some Daenerys because all this Ned stuff’s giving me a headache. (PUNS AND SPOILER ALERT)